Drifting

It has been so long since I have checked my blog that the web page didn't even come up when I started to type it in.

Life has been fuller than usual lately.

Christmas was absolutely wonderful. We spent it at my parents' home. It was the first time I had been home for Christmas since I was 19 years old and the first time they have had children in the house on Christmas morning in years! It was so much fun!!

My cell phone has been in pieces for quite some time now, which seems to cut my communication with friends a bit. Family continued to call. (They always do.) Christmas cards were light this year (most came from Lance's family), but that's okay. We sent out 9 opposed to our usual 90 this year. I did send our Christmas letter via email for those that I had, but response to those were light as well. It tells me that we are all a bit too busy or maybe that life tends to drift us back and forth to one another over time, like a tide to the shore. I still think of my friends and distant family often and hope they are well.

Times are tough right now. I have faith and know that they will get better. One house will sell, one renter hopefully will pay rent, another will financially disappear, that kind old man at the mall will find a friend, and our girls will return safely.

Hope remains. It always does.

At A Lose

I've been reading some of your blogs today and I agree. Things are So busy right now and my mind has silenced itself a bit.

Lance is still gone. My longing for him is almost overwhelming. I work (I cannot stand on my feet at the end of the day), bank, take care of the house, the dog, the cat, the kids, but it's all done with a sense of robotics. Even eating is difficult unless it is lunch break at work.

You would have to read some of my earlier posts to understand the depth of lose that I have lived through. Lance has completely and fully helped to heal the open wounds and fill my heart. Without him, my mind and body have difficulty... no my entire being wants to shut down. (I sob every time we hang up the phone.)

His absence has given me some time to reflect a bit though on many that I miss and feel I have lost touch with somewhat.

Jenn- I am So thankful God has come to you (Or that you were able to finally let him in) and that your Kingdom is good for you right now. I pray it never ends and this truly is your fairy tale. You deserve it. You certainly have been there for me and I will always love you.

MF- Are you okay? Our text messages have become fewer and fewer. I know this time of year sucks for you and I'm sorry. I think of Lynne every single day and the girls still pray to her every single night. I love you and I miss you.

SS- Your first Christmas. I'm sorry. Please know I will never forget Max.

JR- I miss you sometimes and think of you every single day. I will never forget everything you have taught me, done for me, and the moments we shared. I hope you are well.

My list could go on and on but those are the people that flood my mind daily, that I can't let go of and don't want to.

To everyone else: Love, prayers, and strength to you.

Please know that you too are on my mind and in my heart.

Missing You

(Just the words)

I miss you Baby....

Whatta Weekend

I'm not sure where to begin this morning. What a whirlwind of a weekend!

3. Waking up this morning there must be a foot of snow out there! (I guess I need to shovel, by the way.) It is BEAUTIFUL! I love the snow! (Well. It is our first storm. Talk to me in February.)

2. LSU wins. Will Miles return to Michigan?!? He says no, but I'm not sure if I believe him. I say let that man, and those Boys, enjoy their victory - their championship - and in the end if Miles doesn't want the position FINE. Let's find us a true Victor who wants the position, that will treat our players and school with the respect they deserve. Maybe we already have him. Have we taken a good look at our Defensive Coordinator?

1. My poor parents. (Period) How could such beautiful, giving people, that continue to give give give every day that they live, be SO incredibly violated - again? I try not to hate. (I have a hard time with that.) But the "whys?" will not stop. It angers me so badly that another person thinks that it is okay to go into another's sanctuary and steal! To take a crowbar and demolish such perfect craftsmanship! ...and the wolf. He traveled such a long way to get here. A memory of the perfect vacation... I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I'm sorry that you continue to be challenged. Yes. We all know it could have been worse, but I still pray for your security in knowing that you are safe.

I love you.

Morning Prayer

Lance has pulled away to begin a new adventure in a new town. The girls and I must stay behind due to school and the house.

The ache in my chest is almost unbearable. It feels difficult to breathe. His coffee cup sat solo in the sink empty. I HAD to get rid of it! I put it in the dishwasher immediately.

Even the dog feels the good-bye; as she lays on her love seat, head down, sad.

I know this is not permanent. I know we will be joining him. We don't know if we will see him this week, this weekend, or next. That is the hard part.

And he doesn't have a place to stay Until December 1. The insecurity that this brings is intense. Money isn't exactly growing on trees for us, so staying in a hotel for 5 nights is a burden, but I know God will take care of us. In fact, since I have been typing the phone has rang offering me hours next week and the following at one of the schools. I love working with the children and this phone call is rare. Normally they call the day a sub is needed. So thank you again Lord.

It is a beautiful fall day. The temperature is warm enough to keep the roads dry for Lance and our faith strong.

My God, continue to guide and bless us and keep our hearts warm through the distance.

Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?"
"What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"
For after all these things the Gentiles seek.
For your heavenly Father knows that you need these things.
Matthew 6:31-32

Dalai Lama

I am SO intrigued right now!

I need to know more! I'm like a child in a new home! I want to examine every closet, every room!

Are there books you can recommend? Something that is not "dry" for this westerner. (My sister-in-law recommended The Wisdom of Forgiveness.)

Is there a movie?

Please help! and Thank you!!!

A Parents Agony

My music is playing in the background, Ellie is running around so happy I can hear her heart beating. The morning is cold and brisk and beautiful.

Peanuts oral procedure went well and is finally over.

It was so hard on her and as a parent I don't think I can go through it again. She was such a trooper but looked over at me as if to say, "Mumma, please don't let them hurt me. Please! I don't want to be here! Please!!! Tell them to stop!!!"

I knelt next to her holding her hand, my other on her little shoulder, begging God to let it be over, forcing my own tears of pain not to drip. "Please God please! I will never make her go through this again! Never! No matter what that orthodontist tells us! Never will my poor little baby sit in a chair and go through this again!"

The tears. The pain. The mental ache. Never again.

I'm so sorry Peanut.

Our New Protection

I'm sorry. I couldn't help but blog this. I lmoa! Enjoy!

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool.

To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? YAH....

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK!!!

I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, smelling like pee, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid ass!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew nto my body somewhere around my rib cage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

I think Robot and I found the girls' and my defense!

Reporting For Becc

Something to listen to as you read:



Wow! I can't believe it has been that long since Becc has blogged!

I'm sorry. She is out today so I will be blogging for her.

You see, she was laid off from her job on October 25th & her husband received a transfer to another city on October 27th (they just moved here in January). So, she is out job searching again and their home is up for sale by owner.

Call her selfish. Call her depressed. But I do not think she wants to do this again. It's like she is me, a robot, with a fake smile on her face trying to pretend that everything is okay. Don't get me wrong, this is a decision that they made together - they always do, but this time is different. For some reason she is not comfortable with it. Maybe it's the girls, maybe it's the anxiety of opening up their lives to others and letting them into their sanctuary. Maybe it's being alone again. I don't know.

But I want to scream for her,"Who is this for?!?" "Why are you doing this?" "She doesn't want to shovel snow and snow blow and take care of this house and the girls by herself, for God only knows how long!" "I don't want to have to protect us from that wacko across the street and the scary one next door! God knows Becc doesn't have the strength either!" "Who is going to protect them when a man comes to the door after dark or they have to go around the side of the garage to get in the truck at night?" "Who will hug her and tell her how amazing she is when she needs it the most, without her saying a word?"

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what this is doing to her emotionally this time.

I can see that she misses him already.

As I read this, I want to slap myself. "Straightened up! My God! Get a grip on yourself! She can do it! She always does! She'll throw her shoulders back. Pick her head up and get to her damn interview, like she knows she has to!"

Pray for her folks.

The Mom Song

Welcome to another week!

The New Do

"Help Me!" Babble

I'm looking for some help if any of you have a suggestion.

I want a new look for my blog. Something that represents me and what I am trying to say. Something with a little pink.

I surf so many blogs and so many of them are simply adorable!

Thanks a bunch!!

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Well, I finally did it! I entered 2007 and cut all of my hair off.

So "yes" this means I need to post a new picture. I know.

I really really like it!

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I have had a great day today, but difficulty with the parenting end of life when one "Punky" came home to make "2".

Uh! God help me! I have to be doing something wrong here!!!!

So, I went and took this quiz:

Parenting
A fun test to find out what type of parenting style fits you.
www.AreYouASlackerMom.com

??? I don't understand my answer ????

Are You a Slacker Mom?
1. This quiz is for moms, and moms are traditionally female, but just to be sure, what's your gender?
Your answer:
Arnold Schwarzenegger may be the "Governator," but he played a pregnant FATHER in the 1994 movie Junior. Oh, if only it were possible…

Differences

He will no longer

in·tim·i·date [in-tim-i-deyt]
–verb
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.
3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear: to intimidate a voter into staying away from the polls

or

a·buse [v. uh-byooz; n. uh-byoos]
–verb
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

or

use [v. yooz or, for pt. form of 9, yoost; n. yoos]
–verb
1. to employ for some purpose; put into service; make use of: to use a knife.
2. to avail oneself of; apply to one's own purposes: to use the facilities.
3. to expend or consume in use: We have used the money provided.
4. to treat or behave toward: He did not use his employees with much consideration.
5. to take unfair advantage of; exploit: to use people to gain one's own ends.

me!

I will continue to teach my girls:

kind·ness [kahynd-nis]
–noun
1. the state or quality of being kind: kindness to animals.
2. a kind act; favor: his many kindnesses to me.
3. kind behavior: I will never forget your kindness.
4. friendly feeling; liking.

and

strength [strengkth, strength, strenth]
–noun
1. the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
2. mental power, force, or vigor.
3. moral power, firmness, or courage.

and

love [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

I often wish that I knew how to hate, but I thank God that I can't.

Whatta Monday

Hello Monday!!!!!!

My dog vomited in the backseat of my truck, she then ran away when I was cleaning it up (still not to be seen), the toilet needed plunging (not to my doing), and then my ex and his evil half called to mess up an out of town weekend (that we have had planned with our girls since May!!).

There has to be a video to represent this day!

Any hoo...

Lance and I are currently addicted to this tune. (Although, we just had a great weekend together - I am ready to be glamorous!)

Ghost Whisperer

What! is wrong with me!!!!? I DO NOT watch horror movies!, but I am addicted to Ghost Whisperer!

This show scares the living daylights out of me!!!

Have you watched it!?

Check it out : www.cbs.com/primetime/ghost_whisperer/

OMG!

Fallen Soldier

Please visit Jenn @ www.iservethequeens.blogspot.com and post a final farewell for the family of Matt Blaskowski.

Although their sorrow will linger always, may our good wishes help to heal their pain.

Godspeed Matt and Thank you.

Garbled Unpublished Thoughts

I have so much that I want to blog, but the thoughts and words are garbled in my mind and just sit in there. I think it is related to the full moon.

I have found that I have had peace and quiet when I have blogged in the past. That isn't happening here this weekend. (Especially when you have two 11 years olds and a 13 year old stomping through the house, all pouting at the same time, because you know I simply am NOT fair! ) The longer we are here the more the house is always filled with the laughter and chaos of girls. We love it, but it makes for little quiet time, until the moment of sleep.

I just know boys have to be easier!

Peace all.

Please check out Tabba's post from Sept 16 at http://stretchedtothelimit.blogspot.com/2007/09/sunday-morning-song-of-moment_16.html . I love that song and video. I would post the video myself, but our little Mac here won't let me. Plus, it was hers to begin with. (sending smiles))))

Message In A Blog

I read Message in a Bottle recently. A beautiful poignant love story. (It left me feeling a bit emotional and lonely but I have gotten good at making myself busy and pushing such feelings aside.)

The book definitely hit home for love lost and true love again discovered.

I would recommend Nicholas Sparks - Message In A Bottle to anyone, but not to those that are still dealing with the loss of their mate without the comfort of a new true love.

I was able to relate to both sides. Thankful.

His words of "And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about the moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry."

My dear dear friends... these dreams will pass and I am sorry that you are feeling the pain you are. I can only pray that time will heal this for you.

...and his other words, "...Before we came together, I moved through life without reason. I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together."

Does destiny exist? Is it possible that the dearest people in our lives are brought there for purpose?

"...with a gentle touch he said, "Who do you think brought him to you? I know that you will be okay now."

The last dream I ever had he was walking backwards in the white street. Happy, the happiest I had ever seen him in a dream. The next day his brother died.

I had since moved on in life, and was fortunate to have found a love deeper than any ocean, but since that dream I have been completely at peace and he has not returned for a visit. Dreams now are always of L, and L alone. Offering, as he always does in life...

Love, protection, peace, and happiness.

Yippee

This has been sitting in Draft for awhile, but didn't want you to think that I ran away...

Well, life is back to normal.

I did 8 loads of laundry yesterday. Vacuum every day. The dishwasher runs twice a day. The lights are going on early due to the season change and number of bodies in the house.The bathroom is constantly occupied. The day is continually running away from us. Lance is still working long hours (so has his moments of needed solitude).

Punky is loving school and volleyball! She is in advanced math this year and Spanish (which will give her her first high school credit!) And she is in symphonic band (which is for the more advanced players) We have really watched her "come out" since we've been here. I love it!

Peanut is Peanut every day. Thrilled to go to school and just seems happy this year! She has such a gentle soul...

Work is mingled into the mix of our busy day. I am loving some of the extended hours I have been keeping.

Life is good!

A GIFT OF WORDS

A dear friend wrote to Lance and I this week.

It's amazing how the incredible art of letter writing has dissipated with the blur of technology at hand.

He wrote:

...I'm very happy for you both. It sometimes seems the impossible task- amid the race of life and the hurried pace of the world - to find that person with whom you can see the rest of your life playing out with. While there's an endless parade of people who can satisfy some parts of our lives - friends, family, lovers- finding that one person who fulfills so many things all at the same time, well, it sometimes seems a miracle.

His words ring with such truth.

The letter continued on, articulate and beautiful.

We will frame this and put it on the wall.

It touched us more than we can reflect.

Thank you for this LJ... Thank you.

TRANQUILITY

Rain falling on a quiet evening
Walking hand in hand with the man I love
Watching the dog swim to retrieve her ball
Hearing my children laugh and play together

Listening to my dad's breathing as he sleeps
Hearing my mom say, "I love you Becc..."
Or laying my head on her lap and having her stroke my hair

Feeling the love of my sister
Having a nice conversation with one of my girlfriends
Or hearing that one of them is doing exceptionally well

Laying on my bed on a Sunday afternoon reading a good book
knowing the rest of my crew is doing the same
Watching a good football game
Or just hearing one in the background

Watering our trees
Mowing the lawn
Providing a nice smile for a stranger

Seeing a field of flowers
Smelling one.
Finding a bird's egg casing in the lawn
Seeing a field full of cattle with babies

A beautiful sunset
Or a majestic sunrise

Memories of my brother as children
Combing his hair
drawing pictures on his back with a rat tail comb
Him guessing what it is

Sitting here smiling
because the memories and list could go on and on...

MISPLACED FLATTERY

As I am walking to return a movie at Family Video today, I see a young man (a punk) sitting in a black mustang convertible. (Cigarette hanging out of his mouth, five o'clock shadow, and a cutoff shirt)

Yuck.

"Hey, Honey."

Okay. I knew something was coming. (Give him direct eye contact on your return.)

""Hey Honey" is not very respectful to the opposite sex."

Keep walking. There is a vehicle between you.

"Oh it's not? Well I just wanted you to know that you are HOT!"

Yes. I know. I'm feeling it today.

(Give me a break. You know those days! When you feel like you have the world and It's loving you.)

Why is this not flattering me? I am a thirty something mother that, most of the time, feels chubby.

Duh! Because I have an incredible husband at home that makes me feel like a princess all of the time, you pig!!

I'm sorry.

Is this really what boys today think works on girls?!?

It wasn't even his car! And the cigarette! Yuck!

Oh. By the way - We ARE NOT moving to Houston! It was a joke! You had to look at the pictures.

I WANT TO LIVE!

Just spoke to Lance and heard some disturbing news.

One of our local businessmen has passed away of a sudden massive heart attack. 47 years old!!!! An adventurer, a father, a kind, gentle looking man!

There is so much beauty in life! So much to do and see!

Why are we still here? We have two obstacles in our path and a world awaiting us.

How can we break this mold?

I want to see the world! Expose our daughters to it all! Share all of it with Lance!!

How can we do this as inexpensively as possible so we can see the maximum amount available???

Pride

It is amazing to me how much you think you know as a child and how much you want to know as an adult.

This is a conversation Lance and I have had and I just draw energy from such a conversation.

Here is a man that is so well educated. Has worked in Washington DC, has worked for and met some very prestigious people, traveled to many destinations in this beautiful country of ours and knows SO much. Yet, at the same time is so incredibly noble and respectful and never judgemental.

I opted for an awesome opportunity with Northwest instead of the four year college opportuniy. I loved my choice and never looked back on it.

I was about to list all of the accomplishments that I have made in life, but Lance has taught me that this is an inner beauty. I have SO much to be proud of! More than some with a college degree could ever touch. As I sit here and reflect at what I have done and the money that I have helped to gross in my lifetime - it is amazing! Simply amazing!

Yes. I have a proud smile on my face and I am patting myself on the back. I am also reflecting on the pride I have for so many of the success stories I have read and know of. (With and without a degree)

Whatever road you have chosen in life, if you have a success story to share - share it. Be proud. Show our children that they too can do it!

I am all about a great education, but lets also teach them that hard work in the end is where the success and pride will lay.

PS) Northern Michigan Mom is in need of your help. http://www.northernmichiganmom.blogspot.com and

Jenn needs your prayers. http://www.iservethequeens.blogspot.com/

and I can't figure out how the whole link thing works :-)

God speed!

MY DEAREST LOVE

I love this man for many things,
especially his passions,
for they are those things which are most beautiful in life.
Love and books and friendship
and beauty and nature.
And I am glad he has taught me these things,
for I know my life is better for it.
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

He is my best friend.
He has something inside of him,
something beautiful and strong.
He is filled with kindness.
He is the most peaceful man I know.
He is the closest thing to an angel I have ever met.

Words could never express the depth of the love we share.

ANOTHER GOOD-BYE

So much has happened since my last post.

My littlest girl chose to be a Bee that Friday night.

We returned home to tragic news. A family friend, the patriarch of the family's name we do not mention, passed away in a horrible motorcycle accident. Unfortunately, his wife and son were both riding behind him. She is terribly injured and their son has road rash, but they will both live.

He leaves behind SO much. So much it is amazing.

It is not the one that passes that I feel badly for, it is those left behind. The loss and the pain is so tremendous. It is never healed. It never goes away. It just gets buried. Buried until the wind blows and a piece of it gets exposed, until it is buried again. We pray that the storm doesn't hit, their lives are happy, and - that it is never completely revealed. That would not be safe for the survivors nor would it be fair to those surrounding them. Pray that the peace, once created, never be broken for them.

Let's think a minute about what the deceased are to look forward to:

1. complete peace forever
2. happiness
3. reunited with so many dear family members and friends that have passed before them

I think this is wonderful. This is perfect. This is what we all hope for!

I am comfortable with my mortality.

I hope you are as well.

God Speed, RS. I have never stopped loving you. I never will.

LITTLE BUG

What will my little bug choose to be tonight?

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

At first I just talked about it. Now I'm actually going for it.

Trying to find a second job.

I love what I do and I absolutely love the people I work for and with. I don't know that many people can say this. So I will try to find something that works around my current schedule.

I'm actually excited. Excited for the new opportunities. Excited for the new prospect of it all.

The money will help. The time off my hands will be nice. The meeting of new people and the learning of new things. I really look forward to all of this.

I know that it will become a juggling act when the girls return and school begins, but we'll work it out. We always have, plus we have Lance now. He has never let us down and I know he never will.

The running, the housework, the lawn, finding time to relax... It's all part of the game.

Bring it on!

My shoulders are back. My head is high! My parents would be proud!

I'm ready! Let's go!!!!

THIS IS MY BLOG SPOT

Just for clarification!

I think I have wonderful friends and I love my family.

I am not like many who are surrounded with my children all day and longing for a break. I am in our home for 10 hours per day plus - by myself - for the next month and a half.

I am not looking for sympathy. I simply want to share what I have with the people I love.

I have gotten in my car and driven to see my friends and family. Just like the phone. The road works both ways.

I use my blog - just like everyone else - to express my feelings. Every reader interprets the writings in different ways. Free thought.

It's amazing how many comments a blogger gets when a nerve is struck in a reader or two.

...HOME

I spent alot of time, as usual, out in the lawn working tonight. I love it out there. Everything smells so good, friendly people walking by, a neighbor will wave, another come to visit and say how incredible the lawn looks. That always makes me feel good! Lance and I have so much time and money invested in our landscaping.

It has been fun to do! We have planted arbs and rhodos, lillies, apple trees, birch, a magnolia tree... so much! Lance has placed so much mulch down - it is incredible! And with all of the fertilizer that I have put down and the weeding that K has done... it is all just amazing!

I guess I could say that it is sad, but not really. Maybe I'm a little envious. You see. The neighbors house down from us sold. A young couple moved out and another moved in. I watch all of the activity and hear all of the well wishers. "What a great house!" "Let me see this beautiful home of yours!" Young friends, elderly friends, so many people.

Lance and I have had just seven. My parents, my grandmother and her friend, A dear friend of Lance's from childhood and his bride and our beautiful, dear friend from across the street. That is all.

You see all of Lance's family and friends live at quite a distance and I suppose for others it may seem like a bit of a drive or they say that money is an issue. That is all well and fine, but I have to say when I here that they have gone here or there or done this or that and they know how often I am alone - it hurts. I try not to let it, but I want to share this beautiful gift that we have been given and that we work so hard for.

God has given us so much and we are extremely thankful for that.

I will continue to mow and weed and edge and do all of these little things that I enjoy, that make this "home" and I will find comfort in knowing that when Lance comes home he will be in awe of the beauty, just as I am, and we, together, will appreciate what few have come to enjoy.

FAREWELL MY FRIEND

I had a dear friend pass away this weekend.

We never spoke. It was a quiet friendship. A friendly smile, a respectful turn of the eye if we were out getting our newspapers at the same time in the morning, a gentle wave if one was in the car and the other in the lawn or when I saw him from inside if he was out.

I wonder if he knew how deeply I have come to care for him over the past 6 months.

He seemed to be such a gentle soul, like we shared a connection somehow. Maybe it was because he lived alone and I was so frequently alone. Maybe we were there for one another...I know now that we were.

Lance and I sat silently and sick at the dinner table as the events took place. We knew what had happened. Our neighbor was so calm and sure when she said, "Just pray that if it is his time, he is not afraid." I feel that he wasn't, that all is well with him.

Someone returned that night to turn his lights off and to close his blinds. (This is what Milo would have wanted. This is what he would have done.) "Thank you, whoever you were. Thank you for showing my old friend that kind of respect." I bow my head to you and thank you.

I will miss you my old friend. Go in peace.

THE TREASURE HUNT

Yes. It is 8:18pm and I should be up vacuuming and mopping my eldest daughter's bedroom for her before her return, but I had to blog quickly.

I am notorious for spinning around in the middle of traffic to grab whatever may be in the middle of the road. It may be a rusty nail that needs to be thrown aside, a screwdriver, a bungee strap, a flashlight, a deer (yes, I'm sorry Jenn - a deer), or a turtle (OH!!! THAT POOR TURTLE DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER!!!) I once even stopped and picked up a beaver that was dead on the side of the road, but in great shape. I took it to the DNR and then to the local taxidermist to have it stuffed for my parent's cabin. (It was said to be the largest recorded in the area's history at 84 lbs!)

Tonight it was a pair of sunglasses. I spun around through a gas station and maneuvered my way along until I reached them. Oakley!, I imagined! They were so shiny and pretty looking! Until I reached them that is. As I parked on the side of the road and darted across the highway, I was to discover that they were simply a cheap pair of scratched up shades with one arm missing. I picked them up and threw them in the car anyway. (I figured I might as well save the environment and throw them away.)

"Were they junk?", my mom asked as I called her back (because, of course, I was on the phone when I made my discovery and had to hang up quickly. This was not a first.)

"Yes! They are scratched with one arm missing! I risked my life for this!" I exclaimed.

So to all of you out there that are losing things: Could you PLEASE make sure whatever you lose is in good shape?!?

It is NOT easy work being me!

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY

I woke up to blue skies and sunshine this morning. What an incredible day!

I made it to my appointment on time, visited with a hygienist that always makes me feel good about the day, had a message on my voicemail from Lance, came home to have a rewarding conversation with my dear friend B in South Carolina, and then received this from my sister!!

I foresee this day to be a great one!

Time passes
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than you need her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters-in-laws, mothers, grandmothers, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.

Thank you to all of my supporters...

HAPPY BUT LOST AGAIN

I've had a lot of time to do things lately. Waste time really. Every minute seems to drag without our girls.

I know I'm going through a state of depression. When you enter our home and the windows are not washed and both of the girls' rooms are a disaster, after a week and a half of them being gone, you know something is not okay with me.

We watched Star Wars: Phantom Menace last night. Lance and I have made a pack to watch the entire series together. This is the one that I never watched. I have to admit I was reluctant, but I really enjoyed it! I'm excited about our idea!

He's away on business tonight and as I sit here completely alone (minus the dog and cat), it's difficult not to rush out and rent Star Wars II. This was the first drive-in movie I ever watched. It was amazing! (smile) It's fun to remember our childhood...

I've also started a new book, "Welcome To My World... Where English Is Sometomes Spoken" So far, not so good. But we'll wait and see. It's supposed to be funny.

I'm having a hard time thinking and focusing today too. No. It is not medical. (I had a lab work-up and doctor appointment yesterday and all is well. PLUS! We spent the night and day with the girls!)

I have to keep telling myself that I have to be at the dentist at 8 a.m. tomorrow, I showed up a half hour late for work today, and am still fearful I may forget my appointment!

This has to get better!!!

Until the morning light....

ACHING NEED

I'M STRANGLING. I'M CHOKING. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BREATHE! I MISS MY GIRLS SO MUCH IT CHOKES ME!

THE MAC AND CHEESE IS ON THE STOVE TOP. WHY? BECAUSE THEY LIKE MAC AND CHEESE. THEY WON'T BE HERE TO EAT IT, BUT LANCE AND I WILL. IT MAKES ME ACHE EVEN MORE BUT AT LEAST IT BRINGS THEM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO ME. I LOVE THEM SO!

THEY COULDN'T GO SWIMMING WITH MY MOM TODAY. WHY? IT'S 95 DEGREES THERE AT 3:30. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING FOR YOUR DESTINATION UNTIL LATER. IT'S 5:38 NOW AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEFT! THEY'RE CHILDREN! THEY COULD HAVE BEEN BACK BY NOW!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR NOT LETTING MY GIRLS BE CHILDREN! I HATE MY DECISION! I HATE YOU. I KNOW THAT IS STRONG LANGUAGE, BUT SOMETIMES I DO. I WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WON'T LET ME. YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. IF YOU CAN'T TREAT MY MOM AND MY CHILDREN WITH RESPECT, THEN I DO - I HATE YOU. I'M SORRY. I AM.

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. NOT WITHOUT A COURT ORDER. I'M TOO NICE. MAYBE THIS WAS FAIR BUT I DON'T CARE. LET'S TALK FAIR...

I LOVE YOU MY BABIES. MOMMY LOVES YOU.

FATHER'S DAY

THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FIRST MAN THAT I EVER LOVED. THIS - IS MY DAD.



THE WIND IS BLOWING LIGHTLY. I CAN FEEL THE BREEZE AS MY HAIR GENTLY SWEEPS ACROSS MY FACE.

THE HOSE IS RUNNING AND DAD IS OUTSIDE, ALWAYS OUTSIDE DOING SOMETHING. MAYBE HE'S WASHING HIS TRUCK AND I CAN HELP! HE ALWAYS LET'S ME HELP! I AM A CHILD AGAIN.

THE LAWN IS SO LUSH AND GREEN...

I FEEL AMAZING! SO YOUNG! SO AT PEACE! SO HAPPY! THIS IS TRANQUILITY. THIS IS CHILDHOOD!

ALWAYS SAFE. ALWAYS!

"THERE IS NO LOVE MORE ANGELIC THAN THE LOVE OF A FATHER AND A DAUGHTER."

A DAUGHTER'S LOVE

IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT TOGETHER, FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE QUITE SOME TIME. MY LITTLE ONE WANTED SO BADLY TO SLEEP NEXT TO ME BUT KNEW IT WAS HER SISTER'S TURN. (LANCE HAD TO WORK AN OVERNIGHT.) I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT READING, MY BEAUTY WATCHING THE BASKETBALL FINALS IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND MY LITTLE ONE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME. (SHE DIDN'T WANT TO INVADE HER SISTER'S SPACE BUT ALSO WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO ME. SO, SHE HAD BUILT A BED ON THE FLOOR FOR HERSELF.) I HEARD A "SNIP SNIP" BEHIND ME AS I WAS READING AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS JUST HER SCISSORS. (SHE'S ALWAYS BUSY!) ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER SHE HANDED ME AN "END OF THE DAY" BIRTHDAY CARD SHE HAD JUST MADE...

"DEAR MOMMY,

I HOPE U HAD A WONDERFUL B-DAY!
I HOPE U LIKED EVERYTHING, YOU ARE 36 NOW!
REMEMBER U ARE A WONDERFUL PESON AND WE LOVE U

LOTS OF "HEART"

HAVE A WONDERFUL 36 YEARS OF LIFE!"

WOW! TEARS GENTLY CAME TO MY EYES. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHILD!

AT THAT POINT, SHE BOUNCED UP THE STAIRS, RETURNING WITH SOMETHING SHE HAD SPENT 4 DAYS MAKING IN SCHOOL FOR ME! 4 DAYS! APOLOGIZING THE WHOLE TIME FOR NOT BRINGING IT HOME SOONER. (ALL THIS CHILD EVER ASKS OF ME IS TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB ON THE CEILING IN HER ROOM AND FIX HER BLINDS.) 4 DAYS SHE SPENT MAKING THIS AND I NEVER ONCE WENT UP TO DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! AM I BUSY? YES! BUT NOT SO BUSY THAT I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?

WHAT SHE HANDED ME WAS A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF NOTEBOOK PAPER, VERY CAREFULLY COVERED IN BRILLIANT COLORS. THE ENTIRE PAGE! "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I LUV U!" IT READ.

THESE ARE THE MOMENTS WE CHERISH AS MOTHERS AND I HOPE THESE ARE THE DAYS WE REMEMBER ALWAYS.

I WILL NEVER LET HER GO! NEVER LET MY LOVE FAIL HER!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, K!

MOMMY

CALMNESS

SO MANY THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING LATELY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO REFLECT ON LOSSES, WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE, HOW THANKFUL I AM NOT TO BE, AND HOW OFTEN I WISH I HAD TIME TO JUST REALLY BLOG THINGS LIKE THIS WITHOUT BEING RUSHED.

A FRIEND OF MINE PAST AWAY ON A MOTORCYCLE LAST WEEK. THIS IS THE THIRD IN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. ONE WAS HEADED SOUTH, ONE WEST, AND THE LAST NORTH. IT CONCERNS ME THAT WE MAY HAVE A PATTERN HERE. ALL OF THEM SUCH HAPPY PEOPLE - LEADERS. MAYBE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT. MAYBE GOD IS FORMING HIS ARMY.

IT'S SAD THOUGH FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND. I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT AFTER THE MEMORIAL SERVICE AND THOUGHT HOW HER HUSBAND PROBABLY WASN'T SLEEPING, MAYBE DURING THE DAY. HOW EMPTY HIS WORLD WAS. I CUDDLED WITH LANCE AND PRAYED. THANKING HIM FOR BLESSING ME. THANKING HIM FOR THE GIRLS AND I NO LONGER BEING ALONE. FOR LANCE AND I HAVING EACH OTHER.

MY MOTHER CALLED THAT DAY AND ASKED IF I WANTED HER TO GO WITH ME. I HAD DECLINED HER OFFER, BUT ON THE WAY THERE I WONDERED WHY. WHY I HAD ALSO DECLINED LANCE'S OFFER AND WHY I FELT THE NEED TO DO THESE THINGS ON MY OWN.

I HAVE POSTED BEFORE ABOUT NOT WANTING TO EXPOSE LANCE TO THE DARKNESS AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT IT IS. I, UNFORTUNATELY, HAVE GOTTEN USED TO ATTENDING THESE THINGS. I CAN FIND THE LIGHT THERE. I CAN SEE THE SMILES AND THE GOODNESS THROUGH ALL OF THE TEARS. I KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIGHT. I KNOW LIFE WILL GO ON AND GET BETTER AND IF IT WERE TO END, WELL, THEN I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HAPPINESS WAITING FOR US THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE!

I REMEMBER YOU P, L, AND M AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

GOD SPEED.

HEY!

OKAY ALL MY LITTLE READERS!

WHY IS IT THAT I TALK TO PEOPLE AND THEY ASK WHO THIS IS AND WHAT'S THAT, BUT I HAVE ONLY 1 OR 2 PEOPLE COMMENTING??

COME ON ALL! MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL. GIVE ME A COMMENT....

THANK YOU!!!!

LOVE ABOUND

THE DAY WAS WONDERFUL AND SO VERY PERFECT. NO GLISTENING SUN. CLOUDS ABOUND. THE RAIN LOOMING. BUT FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND LOVE EVERYWHERE.

AS I OPENED THE DOOR, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME THAT MORNING, A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUE LOVE STOOD AT THE DOOR. MY CLOSEST AND DEAREST FRIEND. THE FRIEND THAT HAS STOOD BY ME IN THE PAST 3 YRS, THAT I HAVE CLIMBED MOUNTAINS WITH, AND HAVE SOARED ON THE WINGS OF FREEDOM WITH, STOOD IN FRONT OF ME. SHE WAS THERE FOR ME. NOT BECAUSE IT WAS GOING TO BE AN EASY DAY FOR HER, BUT BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME AND LOVES MY CHILDREN, AND WANTED THE DAY TO BE SPECIAL FOR ALL OF US.

THAT IT WAS. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE DID OUR HAIR, HELPED WITH OUR MAKE-UP, SMILED FOR THE CAMERAS, SIGNED THE MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR ME, AND HELPED TO MAKE THE DAY A WONDER.

THEN THE TIME ARRIVED. BEYOND THE POINT THAT THE FRENCH DOORS OPENED, I COULDN'T TELL YOU FOR SURE WHO SAT WHERE. ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, THE ANSWER TO MY DEEPEST PRAYERS, LANCE. MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL LANCE. THE MAN THAT MAKES LIFE SO FULFILLING FOR ME, THE MAN THAT EVERY DAY IS THERE FOR MY DAUGHTERS. TO MAKE THEM FEEL PROUD OF THEMSELVES, HAPPY IN THIS LIFE, CONFIDENT THAT THEY CAN BE ANYTHING THAT THEY WANT TO BE.

THE CEREMONY SAID IT ALL. IT SAID EVERYTHING IT POSSIBLY COULD ABOUT US, ABOUT OUR HOPES AND DREAMS FOR OUR FUTURE. ABOUT OUR LOVE.

THE DAY WAS AMAZING!

THE ENTIRE WEEK TRULY DID TEACH ME THE UNSELFISH ACTIONS OF SO MANY PEOPLE. THE TRUE GOOD OF SO SO MANY...

IT'S TIME

THE TIME HAS ARRIVED. OUR EXCITEMENT IS OVERFLOWING!!!!!

ON SUNDAY MORNING, I WILL BE A MRS. AND WE WILL ALL BE A COMPLETE FAMILY UNIT.

FRIENDS

I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE AND THEN EVEN MORE.

THIS IS A PROMISE I AM SO EXCITED TO MAKE. SO HAPPY. NOTHING COULD SEEM MORE PERFECT. YOU TRULY HAVE BECOME MY BEST FRIEND.

A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE BLOGGED ABOUT BEST FRIENDS AND HOW MANY WE ACTUALLY HAVE IN A LIFETIME. ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

FRIENDS FROM CHILDHOOD. FRIENDS FROM THE PAST. FRIENDS WE EMAIL, FRIENDS WE CALL. SOME BRIEF SOME THAT LASTED FOR YEARS. OUR SIBLINGS. OUR PARENTS. OUR CHILDREN. SO MANY.

IT'S ODD NOW, MANY OF THE PEOPLE THAT I ONCE CONSIDERED "MY WORLD" WILL NOT BE AT MY WEDDING. WHY? WELL, I GUESS IN THE PAST TWO YEARS THE TRAGIC EVENTS IN MY LIFE REALLY PULLED OPEN THE CURTAIN TO REVEAL WHO REALLY ARE MY FRIENDS AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I MAY NOT HAVE AS MANY AS I ONCE THOUGHT I HAD BUT THOSE THAT I DO HAVE MEAN "THE WORLD" TO ME, ARE INCREDIBLE, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND ARE TRUE BLESSINGS THAT I THANK GOD FOR EVERY DAY. (I GUESS IT HELPS TO BE INVITED TOO! LOL)

I'M OKAY WITH IT NOW. YOU KNOW.

WE HAVE PARTS OF ALASKA, SOUTH CAROLINA, NORTHERN MICHIGAN, COLORADO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND SO MANY MORE THERE WITH US IN SPIRIT! CHEERING US ON! WHOOPING THERE CONGRATS! AND WE LOVE YOU ALL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT.

...AND FOR ALL OF YOU THAT ARE JOINING US... WOW! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

YOU ALL TRULY ARE A PART OF WHO WE ARE!

THE WAIT

I KEEP OPENING AND LOOKING AT MY BLOG, BUT THAT IS AS FAR AS I GET. I JUST LOOK AT IT.

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON. THE ANTICIPATI0N OF THE HAPPIEST DAY OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER THUS FAR AND YET THE SOLOMN SILENCE OF ANOTHERS VICTORY, OR WILL IT BE HIS DEMISE. HOW DO YOU KNOW AND HOW ARE YOU EVER PREPARED FOR THE FINAL GOODBYE? MAYBE AT THE END OF THE DAY TOMORROW EVERYONE WILL BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF BUT FOR NOW... WE PRAY.

TECHNOLOGY

WOW!

DSL INTERNET SERVICE! SITTING HERE AT OUR KITCHEN TABLE COMPLETELY WIRELESS!!! I NEVER KNEW TYPING ONLINE COULD FEEL THIS GREAT! NO STRESS. NO PRESSURE. JUST SHEER ENJOYMENT!

WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY!

A MAN'S PASSION - A YOUNG GIRL'S DREAM

POSTPONEMENT

I WAS SO HAPPY AND SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR WEDDING PLANS. EVERYTHING WAS COMING TOGETHER PERFECTLY. I EVEN WENT DOWN TO MY GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE THIS WEEKEND, AS SCHEDULED, TO MAKE WEDDING INVITATIONS, BUT NONE WERE TO BE MADE. WHY? BECAUSE, ONCE AGAIN, OUR WEDDING LOCATION WAS UNDECIDED.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF A BAD DREAM THAT I HAD LAST NIGHT, MAYBE I'M JUST DONE WITH THIS WHOLE "BEAUTIFUL WEDDING" IDEA. WITH A WEDDING AS SMALL AS OURS, I DON'T THINK OF THE FLOWERS AND DRESSES, AND RINGS, AND VOWS AS BEING "A WHOLE MARKET". I THINK OF IT AS BEING A REPRESENTATIONS OF OUR LOVE. I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED BY A JUDGE, IN A ROOM FILLED WITH NOBODY, NO PICTURES. I WANTED THIS TO BE PERFECT, RELAXED, AND EVERYTHING WE HAD HOPED FOR.

I JUST WANTED A SPECIAL WEDDING DAY FOR US. A DAY THAT OUR GIRLS WOULD REMEMBER AND RESPECT AND SOMEDAY SAY, " I WANT A DAY FILLED WITH LOVE LIKE MOM AND LANCE HAD. "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR "OKAY. WE'LL GET MARRIED THERE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT."

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY ME. BUT I WANT IT SPECIAL. NOT JUST "THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED" AND I KNOW YOU DO TOO. TO ME IT'S NOT A MARKET, BUT ABOUT A VERY EXCITED LITTLE GIRL DROPPING ROSE PEDDLES ON THE GROUND AND FEELING LIKE THE PRINCESS SHE WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE AND HAVING YOUR FACE SOFTEN AS YOU SEE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN THE DRESS THAT WAS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, I WILL SLOW THINGS DOWN; UNTIL THE DAY WE CAN GET MARRIED, IN THE FORM THAT WE BOTH WANT, AND THAT WE ARE BOTH COMFORTABLE WITH.

PATIENCE- R

Wedding Day Preparations

My wedding dress is purchased, the rose pedals are beautiful and pink and ready to go, the junior bridesmaid dress and her matching hand bag are hanging. my first wedding day gift for Lance is ready to be given, I have a beautiful antique bird cage for the cards, the guest list is complete (it keeps getting larger), rooms are booked, my mom has agreed to walk down the aisle with Dad and I, dinner reservations are made, the minister is booked.... I think we are on our way to Boston!!!!! Yeah!!!!

A MOTHER'S LONGING

IT'S SUNNY AND WARM TODAY. THE SKY IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BLUE. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE WHETHER WAS LIKE ON THIS DAY 15 YEARS AGO. SOMEHOW I REMEMBER IT SNOWY, BUT MAYBE SUNNY THAT AFTERNOON. TIME HAS SINCE CLOUDED SOME OF MY MEMORY.

THE MEMORY THAT WILL BE FOREVER CLEAR IS THE BIRTH OF MY SON. SO INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL! I CRIED. I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND CRIED. HE WAS EVERYTHING A BABY BOY SHOULD BE. LOOKING AT HIM, THERE WAS NO QUESTION AS TO HIS GENDER. HE WAS A HANDSOME LITTLE MAN THROUGH AND THROUGH.

HE CRIED. THE ONLY TIME HE SEEMED IN HIS GLORY IS WHEN HIS MOMMY HELD HIM; JUST LIKE THAT IS WHAT HE HAD WAITED SO LONG FOR. FOR ME TO LOOK AT HIM AND FOR HIM TO LOOK BACK UP AT ME.

OUR TIME TOGETHER WAS SHORT LIVED. HE WAS SO STRONG AND SO INNOCENT. SO TRUSTING.

WHY WAS HE BROUGHT HERE AND WHY WAS HE TAKEN? THIS I WILL NEVER KNOW. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM. THE GIRLS AND I PRAY TO HIM, STILL, EVERY NIGHT.

HE IS MY SON. MY FOREVER LOST BOY. THE BOY I LONG TO HOLD AND I PRAY, ONE DAY THAT I WILL BE ALLOWED THE JOY OF DOING SO. IN THE MEANTIME, T, WAIT FOR MOMMY. WAIT FOR ME.

INSANITY

"MOM! MOM! CAN I? PLEASE!!! WHY NOT! YOU LET L! NUN-UH!"

LORD GOD! PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SANITY! IS IT LACK OF MEDICATION THAT IS GETTING ME? I HAVE THE PERFECT LIFE HERE. HELLO! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? I THINK I AM GOING INSANE!

IS MY SWEATER AT THE CLEANERS OR ON THE CLOSET FLOOR? WHY HAVEN'T I TAKEN IT TO THE CLEANERS BY NOW?

$210 FOR A CELL PHONE BILL!!! WHY HAVEN'T I SWITCHED CARRIERS YET!?

DOG HAIR! DOG HAIR EVERYWHERE! WHY DIDN'T I VACUUM THIS MORNING!? UH!!!!

SURGERY!? SHIT! CAN I DO SURGERY THIS FRIDAY?! I JUST GOT IN GOOD WITH THE COMPANY I WANTED TO GET A JOB WITH. NOW I'M GOING FOR SURGERY? AM I INSANE!? BUT IF I WAIT WILL IT INTERFERE WITH THE WEDDING DATE?!

LITTLE A! IS SHE BETTER? BIG A! DOES SHE KNOW I CALLED AND REMEMBERED HER BIRTHDAY!?

UH! I FORGOT AMY! DID I CALL AND WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

DOES ALL OF THIS SEEM INSANE? IT FEELS INSANE.

I THINK I NEED A... WHO KNOWS.

ENLIGHTENMENT

FOR CLARITY, I AM NOT GIVING GRADITUDE TO ANOTHER FOR WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DO THROUGH MY OWN STRENGTH. I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HURT OTHERS WHEN THEY ARE HURTING. I AM NOT GIVING ANY TYPE OF APPROVAL FOR SUCH BEHAVIOR AND CHOOSE TO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

MY LIFE IS GREAT RIGHT NOW. ONCE AGAIN, VERY RARELY WILL I LET DARKNESS IN. WHEN YOU LET THE LIGHT IN YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED TO THE LOVE THAT SURROUNDS YOU. THE PURITY THAT WE WERE BORN WITH. IT IS ALL AROUND US.

REVIVIFICATION

IN THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT, AS I LAID AND HELD MY BIG STUFFED BUNNY SO TIGHT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT I WOULD ONE DAY FIND TRUE LOVE AGAIN. I SO LONGED TO BE ABLE TO SMELL HIM, TO TOUCH HIM. THESE ARE THOUGHTS THAT EVEN NOW I DO NOT LET MY MIND COME CLOSE TO. I HAVE BEEN ASKED A HUNDRED TIMES, "ARE YOU OVER HIM?" MY ANSWER,"NO. AND I NEVER WILL BE. PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO BE. HE WAS WONDERFUL. HE WAS KIND. HE WAS MY ROCK. IT'S NOT FAIR OF YOU TO ASK ME TO BE. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU OR TODAY OR THIS LIFE, BUT HE IS A PART OF ME AND ALWAYS WILL BE."

THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, BUT DIDN'T. NOT UNTIL LANCE.

I'M NOT READY TO GO THERE, TO TALK OF LANCE, NOT YET. THESE OTHER THOUGHTS CAN BE DARK AND WHEN I SEE HIM. I SEE WHITE. PURITY. NEVER WILL I LET THE DARKNESS REACH HIM.

HIS, MY LOST MAN'S, FAMILY COMPLETELY OSTRACIZED ME. I HAD GREAT DIFFICULTY WITH THAT. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY AND STILL DON'T, AND FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS HORRIBLE, BUT I DON'T ANYMORE. NOW, I SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO HEAL SO MUCH FASTER. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THAT I AM A GOOD, HONEST PERSON. A PERSON TO BE RESPECTED AND LOVED. (THIS IS WHY P LOVED ME.) A PERSON THAT WHEN FACED WITH "THE CENTERPOINT" "THE TIME OF CHOOSING" I WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT ROAD, THE GOOD ROAD. I WILL CHOOSE TO SURRROUND MYSELF AND MY GIRLS WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE AND RESPECT US AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP US, WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. IT IS THESE PEOPLE THAT WILL SMILE AND WISH ME WELL, SAY A SMALL PRAYER FOR THE GIRLS AND I AND KNOW THAT IT IS TIME FOR US TO MOVE ON. THAT THIS IS OKAY AND THIS IS WHAT P WOULD WANT FOR US.

HIS CHILDREN TOO ARE MOVING ON AND GROWING UP. I AM TOLD THAT HIS SON WILL BE ENTERING THE NAVY IN MAY. GOOD FOR YOU D! THIS IS WHAT WE WANTED FOR YOU. THIS IS WHAT I TRIED SO HARD TO INSTILL IN YOU. TO FIND THE BEST IN YOURSELF AND GO FOR IT! YOU HATED ME FOR THIS. MAYBE YOU STILL DO AND I'M SORRY, BUT IF IN THE END YOU DO AS WE SO WANTED FOR YOU, THEN IT'S OKAY. YOUR DAD KNOWS THIS IS ALL I WANTED FOR YOU, D. "THE BEST"! I WISH YOU THE WORLD D. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

M? SHE IS GETTING SO BIG. I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH ABOUT HER. SHE'S BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM SO PROUD OF HER! I HOPE SHE ALWAYS KNOWS THE LOVE HER FATHER FELT FOR HER AND THE LOVE WE, THE GIRLS AND I, WILL ALWAYS HOLD FOR HER. ALWAYS.

BUT MY LIFE HAS MOVED ON. MOVED ON TO MORE BEAUTY THAN I COULD EVER HAVE ASK FOR. THE LOVE OF A MAN THAT IS SO PURE. SO KIND. SO WONDERFUL! SO EVERYTHING MORE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED OF HAVING! (SIGH, "LANCE")

I'M INDULGED IN THIS MAN. IN OUR LIFE. IN OUR FUTURE. IN OUR FAMILY. IN THE SENSE OF EVERYTHING THIS MAN OFFERS ME DAILY!

LIFE IS EQUAL WITH HIM. SO NATURAL. (LOL) SOMETIMES WE CAN'T REACH EACH OTHER BY PHONE, BECAUSE OUR CALLS ARE CONNECTING TO ONE ANOTHER AT THE SAME TIME! WE ARE IN SYNC. WE, TOGETHER, ARE WONDERFUL...

THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND THE STRENGTH AND GUIDANCE IT HAS TAKEN TO GET ME HERE... THANK YOU.