Mmmmm....

A two day weekend together approaching...

Breathing Easier

Ahh... The repairs are complete, almost.

I continue to peak through the cracks, almost hoping for a clear view, but then I hurry and look away. Happy to be dancing around in my happy home again. The clear sunny sky above me, my earth walls around me.

Damaged Fortress

I have created a fortress around myself over the past few years. I try not to look at the past. It hurts too much.

It's like I have been kicked in the stomach. A rock came crashing through one of my walls last night and I have been running around gathering clay and straw and water and everything else I can find to repair the damage. My problem is, as hard as I am working to fix it, I can still see out of the opening. I don't want to! It hurts to see outside! Please stop! I don't want to know what happened! I can't go there! I can't. (Head hanging low)

I will never understand. Never. The why's, the how-could-you's. Everything was taken from us.

My life has been rebuild. My life is wonderful. I have a man that loves me more than anything in this whole world!

I want to beg of him to help me repair this hole! (My stomach hurts. I cannot sleep at night. The pain is seeping in.) But I can't. I can't hurt him. (I can't talk about it.) I can't let anyone else hurt him either! I will do everything to protect him and our children!

So instead I will struggle. I will pray and I will get this hole repaired - by myself. Head up. Shoulders back. Biceps straining with the load. But it's working and I will!

My love is never ending. My strength transferred. He is our blessing from God and I shall forever be grateful. Please give me strength...

Deep Breath

I struggle with why am I a "giver". I don't even know if that is what I would call myself. Maybe I just can't stand up for myself. I am constantly the main character that Julia Roberts played in "Runaway Bride". She couldn't tell Richard Gere's character how she liked her eggs because she had always thought she liked her eggs according to however her partners liked their eggs at the time. Was it scrambled? Sunny side up? With dill? She didn't know.

Why is it when I go into a store I will buy the ingredients that another likes instead of what I want? A shirt for another but not one for myself? I will walk out of an art gallery and dream of the beautiful $11 handcrafted coffee mug, that I would have loved to have had for myself and day dream about it, instead of just saying how much I love it and buy it.

Sometimes I would love to grab the snacks and soda that make me happy along with that People magazine that I enjoy so much, instead of making do with what is already available to me.

I just want to drift down the river with a picnic lunch with the man that I love instead I ensure him how much I love him and that I would love to do what is suggested instead.

I love my life and I love what God has placed before me and God please forgive me. I want to canoe and not golf, I want a Diet Coke not water. I want a radio under my kitchen cabinet to bring music into the room. I want my girls to be able to write on their bedroom walls.

I feel how slumped over I am with the weight that need not be, tears streaming from my eyes, longing to cry in my mom's lap.
Sit proud, take a deep breath, blow your nose, put a smile on your face, get out of the darkness, and go for a walk. Nobody will know the difference or that your pity party existed. This is who you are. This is who I am.