CALMNESS

SO MANY THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING LATELY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO REFLECT ON LOSSES, WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE, HOW THANKFUL I AM NOT TO BE, AND HOW OFTEN I WISH I HAD TIME TO JUST REALLY BLOG THINGS LIKE THIS WITHOUT BEING RUSHED.

A FRIEND OF MINE PAST AWAY ON A MOTORCYCLE LAST WEEK. THIS IS THE THIRD IN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. ONE WAS HEADED SOUTH, ONE WEST, AND THE LAST NORTH. IT CONCERNS ME THAT WE MAY HAVE A PATTERN HERE. ALL OF THEM SUCH HAPPY PEOPLE - LEADERS. MAYBE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT. MAYBE GOD IS FORMING HIS ARMY.

IT'S SAD THOUGH FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND. I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT AFTER THE MEMORIAL SERVICE AND THOUGHT HOW HER HUSBAND PROBABLY WASN'T SLEEPING, MAYBE DURING THE DAY. HOW EMPTY HIS WORLD WAS. I CUDDLED WITH LANCE AND PRAYED. THANKING HIM FOR BLESSING ME. THANKING HIM FOR THE GIRLS AND I NO LONGER BEING ALONE. FOR LANCE AND I HAVING EACH OTHER.

MY MOTHER CALLED THAT DAY AND ASKED IF I WANTED HER TO GO WITH ME. I HAD DECLINED HER OFFER, BUT ON THE WAY THERE I WONDERED WHY. WHY I HAD ALSO DECLINED LANCE'S OFFER AND WHY I FELT THE NEED TO DO THESE THINGS ON MY OWN.

I HAVE POSTED BEFORE ABOUT NOT WANTING TO EXPOSE LANCE TO THE DARKNESS AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT IT IS. I, UNFORTUNATELY, HAVE GOTTEN USED TO ATTENDING THESE THINGS. I CAN FIND THE LIGHT THERE. I CAN SEE THE SMILES AND THE GOODNESS THROUGH ALL OF THE TEARS. I KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIGHT. I KNOW LIFE WILL GO ON AND GET BETTER AND IF IT WERE TO END, WELL, THEN I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HAPPINESS WAITING FOR US THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE!

I REMEMBER YOU P, L, AND M AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

GOD SPEED.