THE TREASURE HUNT

Yes. It is 8:18pm and I should be up vacuuming and mopping my eldest daughter's bedroom for her before her return, but I had to blog quickly.

I am notorious for spinning around in the middle of traffic to grab whatever may be in the middle of the road. It may be a rusty nail that needs to be thrown aside, a screwdriver, a bungee strap, a flashlight, a deer (yes, I'm sorry Jenn - a deer), or a turtle (OH!!! THAT POOR TURTLE DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER!!!) I once even stopped and picked up a beaver that was dead on the side of the road, but in great shape. I took it to the DNR and then to the local taxidermist to have it stuffed for my parent's cabin. (It was said to be the largest recorded in the area's history at 84 lbs!)

Tonight it was a pair of sunglasses. I spun around through a gas station and maneuvered my way along until I reached them. Oakley!, I imagined! They were so shiny and pretty looking! Until I reached them that is. As I parked on the side of the road and darted across the highway, I was to discover that they were simply a cheap pair of scratched up shades with one arm missing. I picked them up and threw them in the car anyway. (I figured I might as well save the environment and throw them away.)

"Were they junk?", my mom asked as I called her back (because, of course, I was on the phone when I made my discovery and had to hang up quickly. This was not a first.)

"Yes! They are scratched with one arm missing! I risked my life for this!" I exclaimed.

So to all of you out there that are losing things: Could you PLEASE make sure whatever you lose is in good shape?!?

It is NOT easy work being me!

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY

I woke up to blue skies and sunshine this morning. What an incredible day!

I made it to my appointment on time, visited with a hygienist that always makes me feel good about the day, had a message on my voicemail from Lance, came home to have a rewarding conversation with my dear friend B in South Carolina, and then received this from my sister!!

I foresee this day to be a great one!

Time passes
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than you need her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters-in-laws, mothers, grandmothers, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.

Thank you to all of my supporters...

HAPPY BUT LOST AGAIN

I've had a lot of time to do things lately. Waste time really. Every minute seems to drag without our girls.

I know I'm going through a state of depression. When you enter our home and the windows are not washed and both of the girls' rooms are a disaster, after a week and a half of them being gone, you know something is not okay with me.

We watched Star Wars: Phantom Menace last night. Lance and I have made a pack to watch the entire series together. This is the one that I never watched. I have to admit I was reluctant, but I really enjoyed it! I'm excited about our idea!

He's away on business tonight and as I sit here completely alone (minus the dog and cat), it's difficult not to rush out and rent Star Wars II. This was the first drive-in movie I ever watched. It was amazing! (smile) It's fun to remember our childhood...

I've also started a new book, "Welcome To My World... Where English Is Sometomes Spoken" So far, not so good. But we'll wait and see. It's supposed to be funny.

I'm having a hard time thinking and focusing today too. No. It is not medical. (I had a lab work-up and doctor appointment yesterday and all is well. PLUS! We spent the night and day with the girls!)

I have to keep telling myself that I have to be at the dentist at 8 a.m. tomorrow, I showed up a half hour late for work today, and am still fearful I may forget my appointment!

This has to get better!!!

Until the morning light....

ACHING NEED

I'M STRANGLING. I'M CHOKING. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BREATHE! I MISS MY GIRLS SO MUCH IT CHOKES ME!

THE MAC AND CHEESE IS ON THE STOVE TOP. WHY? BECAUSE THEY LIKE MAC AND CHEESE. THEY WON'T BE HERE TO EAT IT, BUT LANCE AND I WILL. IT MAKES ME ACHE EVEN MORE BUT AT LEAST IT BRINGS THEM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO ME. I LOVE THEM SO!

THEY COULDN'T GO SWIMMING WITH MY MOM TODAY. WHY? IT'S 95 DEGREES THERE AT 3:30. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING FOR YOUR DESTINATION UNTIL LATER. IT'S 5:38 NOW AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEFT! THEY'RE CHILDREN! THEY COULD HAVE BEEN BACK BY NOW!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR NOT LETTING MY GIRLS BE CHILDREN! I HATE MY DECISION! I HATE YOU. I KNOW THAT IS STRONG LANGUAGE, BUT SOMETIMES I DO. I WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WON'T LET ME. YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. IF YOU CAN'T TREAT MY MOM AND MY CHILDREN WITH RESPECT, THEN I DO - I HATE YOU. I'M SORRY. I AM.

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. NOT WITHOUT A COURT ORDER. I'M TOO NICE. MAYBE THIS WAS FAIR BUT I DON'T CARE. LET'S TALK FAIR...

I LOVE YOU MY BABIES. MOMMY LOVES YOU.

FATHER'S DAY

THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FIRST MAN THAT I EVER LOVED. THIS - IS MY DAD.



THE WIND IS BLOWING LIGHTLY. I CAN FEEL THE BREEZE AS MY HAIR GENTLY SWEEPS ACROSS MY FACE.

THE HOSE IS RUNNING AND DAD IS OUTSIDE, ALWAYS OUTSIDE DOING SOMETHING. MAYBE HE'S WASHING HIS TRUCK AND I CAN HELP! HE ALWAYS LET'S ME HELP! I AM A CHILD AGAIN.

THE LAWN IS SO LUSH AND GREEN...

I FEEL AMAZING! SO YOUNG! SO AT PEACE! SO HAPPY! THIS IS TRANQUILITY. THIS IS CHILDHOOD!

ALWAYS SAFE. ALWAYS!

"THERE IS NO LOVE MORE ANGELIC THAN THE LOVE OF A FATHER AND A DAUGHTER."

A DAUGHTER'S LOVE

IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT TOGETHER, FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE QUITE SOME TIME. MY LITTLE ONE WANTED SO BADLY TO SLEEP NEXT TO ME BUT KNEW IT WAS HER SISTER'S TURN. (LANCE HAD TO WORK AN OVERNIGHT.) I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT READING, MY BEAUTY WATCHING THE BASKETBALL FINALS IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND MY LITTLE ONE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME. (SHE DIDN'T WANT TO INVADE HER SISTER'S SPACE BUT ALSO WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO ME. SO, SHE HAD BUILT A BED ON THE FLOOR FOR HERSELF.) I HEARD A "SNIP SNIP" BEHIND ME AS I WAS READING AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS JUST HER SCISSORS. (SHE'S ALWAYS BUSY!) ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER SHE HANDED ME AN "END OF THE DAY" BIRTHDAY CARD SHE HAD JUST MADE...

"DEAR MOMMY,

I HOPE U HAD A WONDERFUL B-DAY!
I HOPE U LIKED EVERYTHING, YOU ARE 36 NOW!
REMEMBER U ARE A WONDERFUL PESON AND WE LOVE U

LOTS OF "HEART"

HAVE A WONDERFUL 36 YEARS OF LIFE!"

WOW! TEARS GENTLY CAME TO MY EYES. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHILD!

AT THAT POINT, SHE BOUNCED UP THE STAIRS, RETURNING WITH SOMETHING SHE HAD SPENT 4 DAYS MAKING IN SCHOOL FOR ME! 4 DAYS! APOLOGIZING THE WHOLE TIME FOR NOT BRINGING IT HOME SOONER. (ALL THIS CHILD EVER ASKS OF ME IS TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB ON THE CEILING IN HER ROOM AND FIX HER BLINDS.) 4 DAYS SHE SPENT MAKING THIS AND I NEVER ONCE WENT UP TO DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! AM I BUSY? YES! BUT NOT SO BUSY THAT I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?

WHAT SHE HANDED ME WAS A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF NOTEBOOK PAPER, VERY CAREFULLY COVERED IN BRILLIANT COLORS. THE ENTIRE PAGE! "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I LUV U!" IT READ.

THESE ARE THE MOMENTS WE CHERISH AS MOTHERS AND I HOPE THESE ARE THE DAYS WE REMEMBER ALWAYS.

I WILL NEVER LET HER GO! NEVER LET MY LOVE FAIL HER!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, K!

MOMMY

CALMNESS

SO MANY THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING LATELY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO REFLECT ON LOSSES, WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE, HOW THANKFUL I AM NOT TO BE, AND HOW OFTEN I WISH I HAD TIME TO JUST REALLY BLOG THINGS LIKE THIS WITHOUT BEING RUSHED.

A FRIEND OF MINE PAST AWAY ON A MOTORCYCLE LAST WEEK. THIS IS THE THIRD IN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. ONE WAS HEADED SOUTH, ONE WEST, AND THE LAST NORTH. IT CONCERNS ME THAT WE MAY HAVE A PATTERN HERE. ALL OF THEM SUCH HAPPY PEOPLE - LEADERS. MAYBE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT. MAYBE GOD IS FORMING HIS ARMY.

IT'S SAD THOUGH FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND. I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT AFTER THE MEMORIAL SERVICE AND THOUGHT HOW HER HUSBAND PROBABLY WASN'T SLEEPING, MAYBE DURING THE DAY. HOW EMPTY HIS WORLD WAS. I CUDDLED WITH LANCE AND PRAYED. THANKING HIM FOR BLESSING ME. THANKING HIM FOR THE GIRLS AND I NO LONGER BEING ALONE. FOR LANCE AND I HAVING EACH OTHER.

MY MOTHER CALLED THAT DAY AND ASKED IF I WANTED HER TO GO WITH ME. I HAD DECLINED HER OFFER, BUT ON THE WAY THERE I WONDERED WHY. WHY I HAD ALSO DECLINED LANCE'S OFFER AND WHY I FELT THE NEED TO DO THESE THINGS ON MY OWN.

I HAVE POSTED BEFORE ABOUT NOT WANTING TO EXPOSE LANCE TO THE DARKNESS AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT IT IS. I, UNFORTUNATELY, HAVE GOTTEN USED TO ATTENDING THESE THINGS. I CAN FIND THE LIGHT THERE. I CAN SEE THE SMILES AND THE GOODNESS THROUGH ALL OF THE TEARS. I KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIGHT. I KNOW LIFE WILL GO ON AND GET BETTER AND IF IT WERE TO END, WELL, THEN I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HAPPINESS WAITING FOR US THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE!

I REMEMBER YOU P, L, AND M AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

GOD SPEED.

HEY!

OKAY ALL MY LITTLE READERS!

WHY IS IT THAT I TALK TO PEOPLE AND THEY ASK WHO THIS IS AND WHAT'S THAT, BUT I HAVE ONLY 1 OR 2 PEOPLE COMMENTING??

COME ON ALL! MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL. GIVE ME A COMMENT....

THANK YOU!!!!

LOVE ABOUND

THE DAY WAS WONDERFUL AND SO VERY PERFECT. NO GLISTENING SUN. CLOUDS ABOUND. THE RAIN LOOMING. BUT FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND LOVE EVERYWHERE.

AS I OPENED THE DOOR, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME THAT MORNING, A VERY DIFFERENT KIND OF TRUE LOVE STOOD AT THE DOOR. MY CLOSEST AND DEAREST FRIEND. THE FRIEND THAT HAS STOOD BY ME IN THE PAST 3 YRS, THAT I HAVE CLIMBED MOUNTAINS WITH, AND HAVE SOARED ON THE WINGS OF FREEDOM WITH, STOOD IN FRONT OF ME. SHE WAS THERE FOR ME. NOT BECAUSE IT WAS GOING TO BE AN EASY DAY FOR HER, BUT BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME AND LOVES MY CHILDREN, AND WANTED THE DAY TO BE SPECIAL FOR ALL OF US.

THAT IT WAS. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE DID OUR HAIR, HELPED WITH OUR MAKE-UP, SMILED FOR THE CAMERAS, SIGNED THE MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR ME, AND HELPED TO MAKE THE DAY A WONDER.

THEN THE TIME ARRIVED. BEYOND THE POINT THAT THE FRENCH DOORS OPENED, I COULDN'T TELL YOU FOR SURE WHO SAT WHERE. ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, THE ANSWER TO MY DEEPEST PRAYERS, LANCE. MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL LANCE. THE MAN THAT MAKES LIFE SO FULFILLING FOR ME, THE MAN THAT EVERY DAY IS THERE FOR MY DAUGHTERS. TO MAKE THEM FEEL PROUD OF THEMSELVES, HAPPY IN THIS LIFE, CONFIDENT THAT THEY CAN BE ANYTHING THAT THEY WANT TO BE.

THE CEREMONY SAID IT ALL. IT SAID EVERYTHING IT POSSIBLY COULD ABOUT US, ABOUT OUR HOPES AND DREAMS FOR OUR FUTURE. ABOUT OUR LOVE.

THE DAY WAS AMAZING!

THE ENTIRE WEEK TRULY DID TEACH ME THE UNSELFISH ACTIONS OF SO MANY PEOPLE. THE TRUE GOOD OF SO SO MANY...

IT'S TIME

THE TIME HAS ARRIVED. OUR EXCITEMENT IS OVERFLOWING!!!!!

ON SUNDAY MORNING, I WILL BE A MRS. AND WE WILL ALL BE A COMPLETE FAMILY UNIT.

FRIENDS

I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE AND THEN EVEN MORE.

THIS IS A PROMISE I AM SO EXCITED TO MAKE. SO HAPPY. NOTHING COULD SEEM MORE PERFECT. YOU TRULY HAVE BECOME MY BEST FRIEND.

A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE BLOGGED ABOUT BEST FRIENDS AND HOW MANY WE ACTUALLY HAVE IN A LIFETIME. ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

FRIENDS FROM CHILDHOOD. FRIENDS FROM THE PAST. FRIENDS WE EMAIL, FRIENDS WE CALL. SOME BRIEF SOME THAT LASTED FOR YEARS. OUR SIBLINGS. OUR PARENTS. OUR CHILDREN. SO MANY.

IT'S ODD NOW, MANY OF THE PEOPLE THAT I ONCE CONSIDERED "MY WORLD" WILL NOT BE AT MY WEDDING. WHY? WELL, I GUESS IN THE PAST TWO YEARS THE TRAGIC EVENTS IN MY LIFE REALLY PULLED OPEN THE CURTAIN TO REVEAL WHO REALLY ARE MY FRIENDS AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I MAY NOT HAVE AS MANY AS I ONCE THOUGHT I HAD BUT THOSE THAT I DO HAVE MEAN "THE WORLD" TO ME, ARE INCREDIBLE, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND ARE TRUE BLESSINGS THAT I THANK GOD FOR EVERY DAY. (I GUESS IT HELPS TO BE INVITED TOO! LOL)

I'M OKAY WITH IT NOW. YOU KNOW.

WE HAVE PARTS OF ALASKA, SOUTH CAROLINA, NORTHERN MICHIGAN, COLORADO, PENNSYLVANIA, AND SO MANY MORE THERE WITH US IN SPIRIT! CHEERING US ON! WHOOPING THERE CONGRATS! AND WE LOVE YOU ALL!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP. THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT.

...AND FOR ALL OF YOU THAT ARE JOINING US... WOW! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

YOU ALL TRULY ARE A PART OF WHO WE ARE!

THE WAIT

I KEEP OPENING AND LOOKING AT MY BLOG, BUT THAT IS AS FAR AS I GET. I JUST LOOK AT IT.

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON. THE ANTICIPATI0N OF THE HAPPIEST DAY OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER THUS FAR AND YET THE SOLOMN SILENCE OF ANOTHERS VICTORY, OR WILL IT BE HIS DEMISE. HOW DO YOU KNOW AND HOW ARE YOU EVER PREPARED FOR THE FINAL GOODBYE? MAYBE AT THE END OF THE DAY TOMORROW EVERYONE WILL BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF BUT FOR NOW... WE PRAY.

TECHNOLOGY

WOW!

DSL INTERNET SERVICE! SITTING HERE AT OUR KITCHEN TABLE COMPLETELY WIRELESS!!! I NEVER KNEW TYPING ONLINE COULD FEEL THIS GREAT! NO STRESS. NO PRESSURE. JUST SHEER ENJOYMENT!

WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY!

A MAN'S PASSION - A YOUNG GIRL'S DREAM

POSTPONEMENT

I WAS SO HAPPY AND SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR WEDDING PLANS. EVERYTHING WAS COMING TOGETHER PERFECTLY. I EVEN WENT DOWN TO MY GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE THIS WEEKEND, AS SCHEDULED, TO MAKE WEDDING INVITATIONS, BUT NONE WERE TO BE MADE. WHY? BECAUSE, ONCE AGAIN, OUR WEDDING LOCATION WAS UNDECIDED.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF A BAD DREAM THAT I HAD LAST NIGHT, MAYBE I'M JUST DONE WITH THIS WHOLE "BEAUTIFUL WEDDING" IDEA. WITH A WEDDING AS SMALL AS OURS, I DON'T THINK OF THE FLOWERS AND DRESSES, AND RINGS, AND VOWS AS BEING "A WHOLE MARKET". I THINK OF IT AS BEING A REPRESENTATIONS OF OUR LOVE. I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED BY A JUDGE, IN A ROOM FILLED WITH NOBODY, NO PICTURES. I WANTED THIS TO BE PERFECT, RELAXED, AND EVERYTHING WE HAD HOPED FOR.

I JUST WANTED A SPECIAL WEDDING DAY FOR US. A DAY THAT OUR GIRLS WOULD REMEMBER AND RESPECT AND SOMEDAY SAY, " I WANT A DAY FILLED WITH LOVE LIKE MOM AND LANCE HAD. "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR "OKAY. WE'LL GET MARRIED THERE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT."

I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY ME. BUT I WANT IT SPECIAL. NOT JUST "THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED" AND I KNOW YOU DO TOO. TO ME IT'S NOT A MARKET, BUT ABOUT A VERY EXCITED LITTLE GIRL DROPPING ROSE PEDDLES ON THE GROUND AND FEELING LIKE THE PRINCESS SHE WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE AND HAVING YOUR FACE SOFTEN AS YOU SEE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN THE DRESS THAT WAS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, I WILL SLOW THINGS DOWN; UNTIL THE DAY WE CAN GET MARRIED, IN THE FORM THAT WE BOTH WANT, AND THAT WE ARE BOTH COMFORTABLE WITH.

PATIENCE- R

Wedding Day Preparations

My wedding dress is purchased, the rose pedals are beautiful and pink and ready to go, the junior bridesmaid dress and her matching hand bag are hanging. my first wedding day gift for Lance is ready to be given, I have a beautiful antique bird cage for the cards, the guest list is complete (it keeps getting larger), rooms are booked, my mom has agreed to walk down the aisle with Dad and I, dinner reservations are made, the minister is booked.... I think we are on our way to Boston!!!!! Yeah!!!!

A MOTHER'S LONGING

IT'S SUNNY AND WARM TODAY. THE SKY IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BLUE. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE WHETHER WAS LIKE ON THIS DAY 15 YEARS AGO. SOMEHOW I REMEMBER IT SNOWY, BUT MAYBE SUNNY THAT AFTERNOON. TIME HAS SINCE CLOUDED SOME OF MY MEMORY.

THE MEMORY THAT WILL BE FOREVER CLEAR IS THE BIRTH OF MY SON. SO INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL! I CRIED. I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND CRIED. HE WAS EVERYTHING A BABY BOY SHOULD BE. LOOKING AT HIM, THERE WAS NO QUESTION AS TO HIS GENDER. HE WAS A HANDSOME LITTLE MAN THROUGH AND THROUGH.

HE CRIED. THE ONLY TIME HE SEEMED IN HIS GLORY IS WHEN HIS MOMMY HELD HIM; JUST LIKE THAT IS WHAT HE HAD WAITED SO LONG FOR. FOR ME TO LOOK AT HIM AND FOR HIM TO LOOK BACK UP AT ME.

OUR TIME TOGETHER WAS SHORT LIVED. HE WAS SO STRONG AND SO INNOCENT. SO TRUSTING.

WHY WAS HE BROUGHT HERE AND WHY WAS HE TAKEN? THIS I WILL NEVER KNOW. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM. THE GIRLS AND I PRAY TO HIM, STILL, EVERY NIGHT.

HE IS MY SON. MY FOREVER LOST BOY. THE BOY I LONG TO HOLD AND I PRAY, ONE DAY THAT I WILL BE ALLOWED THE JOY OF DOING SO. IN THE MEANTIME, T, WAIT FOR MOMMY. WAIT FOR ME.

INSANITY

"MOM! MOM! CAN I? PLEASE!!! WHY NOT! YOU LET L! NUN-UH!"

LORD GOD! PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SANITY! IS IT LACK OF MEDICATION THAT IS GETTING ME? I HAVE THE PERFECT LIFE HERE. HELLO! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? I THINK I AM GOING INSANE!

IS MY SWEATER AT THE CLEANERS OR ON THE CLOSET FLOOR? WHY HAVEN'T I TAKEN IT TO THE CLEANERS BY NOW?

$210 FOR A CELL PHONE BILL!!! WHY HAVEN'T I SWITCHED CARRIERS YET!?

DOG HAIR! DOG HAIR EVERYWHERE! WHY DIDN'T I VACUUM THIS MORNING!? UH!!!!

SURGERY!? SHIT! CAN I DO SURGERY THIS FRIDAY?! I JUST GOT IN GOOD WITH THE COMPANY I WANTED TO GET A JOB WITH. NOW I'M GOING FOR SURGERY? AM I INSANE!? BUT IF I WAIT WILL IT INTERFERE WITH THE WEDDING DATE?!

LITTLE A! IS SHE BETTER? BIG A! DOES SHE KNOW I CALLED AND REMEMBERED HER BIRTHDAY!?

UH! I FORGOT AMY! DID I CALL AND WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

DOES ALL OF THIS SEEM INSANE? IT FEELS INSANE.

I THINK I NEED A... WHO KNOWS.

ENLIGHTENMENT

FOR CLARITY, I AM NOT GIVING GRADITUDE TO ANOTHER FOR WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DO THROUGH MY OWN STRENGTH. I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HURT OTHERS WHEN THEY ARE HURTING. I AM NOT GIVING ANY TYPE OF APPROVAL FOR SUCH BEHAVIOR AND CHOOSE TO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

MY LIFE IS GREAT RIGHT NOW. ONCE AGAIN, VERY RARELY WILL I LET DARKNESS IN. WHEN YOU LET THE LIGHT IN YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED TO THE LOVE THAT SURROUNDS YOU. THE PURITY THAT WE WERE BORN WITH. IT IS ALL AROUND US.

REVIVIFICATION

IN THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT, AS I LAID AND HELD MY BIG STUFFED BUNNY SO TIGHT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT I WOULD ONE DAY FIND TRUE LOVE AGAIN. I SO LONGED TO BE ABLE TO SMELL HIM, TO TOUCH HIM. THESE ARE THOUGHTS THAT EVEN NOW I DO NOT LET MY MIND COME CLOSE TO. I HAVE BEEN ASKED A HUNDRED TIMES, "ARE YOU OVER HIM?" MY ANSWER,"NO. AND I NEVER WILL BE. PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO BE. HE WAS WONDERFUL. HE WAS KIND. HE WAS MY ROCK. IT'S NOT FAIR OF YOU TO ASK ME TO BE. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU OR TODAY OR THIS LIFE, BUT HE IS A PART OF ME AND ALWAYS WILL BE."

THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, BUT DIDN'T. NOT UNTIL LANCE.

I'M NOT READY TO GO THERE, TO TALK OF LANCE, NOT YET. THESE OTHER THOUGHTS CAN BE DARK AND WHEN I SEE HIM. I SEE WHITE. PURITY. NEVER WILL I LET THE DARKNESS REACH HIM.

HIS, MY LOST MAN'S, FAMILY COMPLETELY OSTRACIZED ME. I HAD GREAT DIFFICULTY WITH THAT. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY AND STILL DON'T, AND FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS HORRIBLE, BUT I DON'T ANYMORE. NOW, I SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO HEAL SO MUCH FASTER. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THAT I AM A GOOD, HONEST PERSON. A PERSON TO BE RESPECTED AND LOVED. (THIS IS WHY P LOVED ME.) A PERSON THAT WHEN FACED WITH "THE CENTERPOINT" "THE TIME OF CHOOSING" I WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT ROAD, THE GOOD ROAD. I WILL CHOOSE TO SURRROUND MYSELF AND MY GIRLS WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE AND RESPECT US AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP US, WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. IT IS THESE PEOPLE THAT WILL SMILE AND WISH ME WELL, SAY A SMALL PRAYER FOR THE GIRLS AND I AND KNOW THAT IT IS TIME FOR US TO MOVE ON. THAT THIS IS OKAY AND THIS IS WHAT P WOULD WANT FOR US.

HIS CHILDREN TOO ARE MOVING ON AND GROWING UP. I AM TOLD THAT HIS SON WILL BE ENTERING THE NAVY IN MAY. GOOD FOR YOU D! THIS IS WHAT WE WANTED FOR YOU. THIS IS WHAT I TRIED SO HARD TO INSTILL IN YOU. TO FIND THE BEST IN YOURSELF AND GO FOR IT! YOU HATED ME FOR THIS. MAYBE YOU STILL DO AND I'M SORRY, BUT IF IN THE END YOU DO AS WE SO WANTED FOR YOU, THEN IT'S OKAY. YOUR DAD KNOWS THIS IS ALL I WANTED FOR YOU, D. "THE BEST"! I WISH YOU THE WORLD D. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

M? SHE IS GETTING SO BIG. I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH ABOUT HER. SHE'S BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM SO PROUD OF HER! I HOPE SHE ALWAYS KNOWS THE LOVE HER FATHER FELT FOR HER AND THE LOVE WE, THE GIRLS AND I, WILL ALWAYS HOLD FOR HER. ALWAYS.

BUT MY LIFE HAS MOVED ON. MOVED ON TO MORE BEAUTY THAN I COULD EVER HAVE ASK FOR. THE LOVE OF A MAN THAT IS SO PURE. SO KIND. SO WONDERFUL! SO EVERYTHING MORE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED OF HAVING! (SIGH, "LANCE")

I'M INDULGED IN THIS MAN. IN OUR LIFE. IN OUR FUTURE. IN OUR FAMILY. IN THE SENSE OF EVERYTHING THIS MAN OFFERS ME DAILY!

LIFE IS EQUAL WITH HIM. SO NATURAL. (LOL) SOMETIMES WE CAN'T REACH EACH OTHER BY PHONE, BECAUSE OUR CALLS ARE CONNECTING TO ONE ANOTHER AT THE SAME TIME! WE ARE IN SYNC. WE, TOGETHER, ARE WONDERFUL...

THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND THE STRENGTH AND GUIDANCE IT HAS TAKEN TO GET ME HERE... THANK YOU.