Wedding Day Preparations

My wedding dress is purchased, the rose pedals are beautiful and pink and ready to go, the junior bridesmaid dress and her matching hand bag are hanging. my first wedding day gift for Lance is ready to be given, I have a beautiful antique bird cage for the cards, the guest list is complete (it keeps getting larger), rooms are booked, my mom has agreed to walk down the aisle with Dad and I, dinner reservations are made, the minister is booked.... I think we are on our way to Boston!!!!! Yeah!!!!

A MOTHER'S LONGING

IT'S SUNNY AND WARM TODAY. THE SKY IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BLUE. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE WHETHER WAS LIKE ON THIS DAY 15 YEARS AGO. SOMEHOW I REMEMBER IT SNOWY, BUT MAYBE SUNNY THAT AFTERNOON. TIME HAS SINCE CLOUDED SOME OF MY MEMORY.

THE MEMORY THAT WILL BE FOREVER CLEAR IS THE BIRTH OF MY SON. SO INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL! I CRIED. I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND CRIED. HE WAS EVERYTHING A BABY BOY SHOULD BE. LOOKING AT HIM, THERE WAS NO QUESTION AS TO HIS GENDER. HE WAS A HANDSOME LITTLE MAN THROUGH AND THROUGH.

HE CRIED. THE ONLY TIME HE SEEMED IN HIS GLORY IS WHEN HIS MOMMY HELD HIM; JUST LIKE THAT IS WHAT HE HAD WAITED SO LONG FOR. FOR ME TO LOOK AT HIM AND FOR HIM TO LOOK BACK UP AT ME.

OUR TIME TOGETHER WAS SHORT LIVED. HE WAS SO STRONG AND SO INNOCENT. SO TRUSTING.

WHY WAS HE BROUGHT HERE AND WHY WAS HE TAKEN? THIS I WILL NEVER KNOW. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM. THE GIRLS AND I PRAY TO HIM, STILL, EVERY NIGHT.

HE IS MY SON. MY FOREVER LOST BOY. THE BOY I LONG TO HOLD AND I PRAY, ONE DAY THAT I WILL BE ALLOWED THE JOY OF DOING SO. IN THE MEANTIME, T, WAIT FOR MOMMY. WAIT FOR ME.

INSANITY

"MOM! MOM! CAN I? PLEASE!!! WHY NOT! YOU LET L! NUN-UH!"

LORD GOD! PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SANITY! IS IT LACK OF MEDICATION THAT IS GETTING ME? I HAVE THE PERFECT LIFE HERE. HELLO! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? I THINK I AM GOING INSANE!

IS MY SWEATER AT THE CLEANERS OR ON THE CLOSET FLOOR? WHY HAVEN'T I TAKEN IT TO THE CLEANERS BY NOW?

$210 FOR A CELL PHONE BILL!!! WHY HAVEN'T I SWITCHED CARRIERS YET!?

DOG HAIR! DOG HAIR EVERYWHERE! WHY DIDN'T I VACUUM THIS MORNING!? UH!!!!

SURGERY!? SHIT! CAN I DO SURGERY THIS FRIDAY?! I JUST GOT IN GOOD WITH THE COMPANY I WANTED TO GET A JOB WITH. NOW I'M GOING FOR SURGERY? AM I INSANE!? BUT IF I WAIT WILL IT INTERFERE WITH THE WEDDING DATE?!

LITTLE A! IS SHE BETTER? BIG A! DOES SHE KNOW I CALLED AND REMEMBERED HER BIRTHDAY!?

UH! I FORGOT AMY! DID I CALL AND WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

DOES ALL OF THIS SEEM INSANE? IT FEELS INSANE.

I THINK I NEED A... WHO KNOWS.

ENLIGHTENMENT

FOR CLARITY, I AM NOT GIVING GRADITUDE TO ANOTHER FOR WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DO THROUGH MY OWN STRENGTH. I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE HURT OTHERS WHEN THEY ARE HURTING. I AM NOT GIVING ANY TYPE OF APPROVAL FOR SUCH BEHAVIOR AND CHOOSE TO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

MY LIFE IS GREAT RIGHT NOW. ONCE AGAIN, VERY RARELY WILL I LET DARKNESS IN. WHEN YOU LET THE LIGHT IN YOU ARE ENLIGHTENED TO THE LOVE THAT SURROUNDS YOU. THE PURITY THAT WE WERE BORN WITH. IT IS ALL AROUND US.

REVIVIFICATION

IN THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT, AS I LAID AND HELD MY BIG STUFFED BUNNY SO TIGHT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT I WOULD ONE DAY FIND TRUE LOVE AGAIN. I SO LONGED TO BE ABLE TO SMELL HIM, TO TOUCH HIM. THESE ARE THOUGHTS THAT EVEN NOW I DO NOT LET MY MIND COME CLOSE TO. I HAVE BEEN ASKED A HUNDRED TIMES, "ARE YOU OVER HIM?" MY ANSWER,"NO. AND I NEVER WILL BE. PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO BE. HE WAS WONDERFUL. HE WAS KIND. HE WAS MY ROCK. IT'S NOT FAIR OF YOU TO ASK ME TO BE. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU OR TODAY OR THIS LIFE, BUT HE IS A PART OF ME AND ALWAYS WILL BE."

THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY A THOUSAND TIMES OVER, BUT DIDN'T. NOT UNTIL LANCE.

I'M NOT READY TO GO THERE, TO TALK OF LANCE, NOT YET. THESE OTHER THOUGHTS CAN BE DARK AND WHEN I SEE HIM. I SEE WHITE. PURITY. NEVER WILL I LET THE DARKNESS REACH HIM.

HIS, MY LOST MAN'S, FAMILY COMPLETELY OSTRACIZED ME. I HAD GREAT DIFFICULTY WITH THAT. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY AND STILL DON'T, AND FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS HORRIBLE, BUT I DON'T ANYMORE. NOW, I SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO HEAL SO MUCH FASTER. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THAT I AM A GOOD, HONEST PERSON. A PERSON TO BE RESPECTED AND LOVED. (THIS IS WHY P LOVED ME.) A PERSON THAT WHEN FACED WITH "THE CENTERPOINT" "THE TIME OF CHOOSING" I WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT ROAD, THE GOOD ROAD. I WILL CHOOSE TO SURRROUND MYSELF AND MY GIRLS WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE AND RESPECT US AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO HELP US, WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. IT IS THESE PEOPLE THAT WILL SMILE AND WISH ME WELL, SAY A SMALL PRAYER FOR THE GIRLS AND I AND KNOW THAT IT IS TIME FOR US TO MOVE ON. THAT THIS IS OKAY AND THIS IS WHAT P WOULD WANT FOR US.

HIS CHILDREN TOO ARE MOVING ON AND GROWING UP. I AM TOLD THAT HIS SON WILL BE ENTERING THE NAVY IN MAY. GOOD FOR YOU D! THIS IS WHAT WE WANTED FOR YOU. THIS IS WHAT I TRIED SO HARD TO INSTILL IN YOU. TO FIND THE BEST IN YOURSELF AND GO FOR IT! YOU HATED ME FOR THIS. MAYBE YOU STILL DO AND I'M SORRY, BUT IF IN THE END YOU DO AS WE SO WANTED FOR YOU, THEN IT'S OKAY. YOUR DAD KNOWS THIS IS ALL I WANTED FOR YOU, D. "THE BEST"! I WISH YOU THE WORLD D. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

M? SHE IS GETTING SO BIG. I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH ABOUT HER. SHE'S BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM SO PROUD OF HER! I HOPE SHE ALWAYS KNOWS THE LOVE HER FATHER FELT FOR HER AND THE LOVE WE, THE GIRLS AND I, WILL ALWAYS HOLD FOR HER. ALWAYS.

BUT MY LIFE HAS MOVED ON. MOVED ON TO MORE BEAUTY THAN I COULD EVER HAVE ASK FOR. THE LOVE OF A MAN THAT IS SO PURE. SO KIND. SO WONDERFUL! SO EVERYTHING MORE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED OF HAVING! (SIGH, "LANCE")

I'M INDULGED IN THIS MAN. IN OUR LIFE. IN OUR FUTURE. IN OUR FAMILY. IN THE SENSE OF EVERYTHING THIS MAN OFFERS ME DAILY!

LIFE IS EQUAL WITH HIM. SO NATURAL. (LOL) SOMETIMES WE CAN'T REACH EACH OTHER BY PHONE, BECAUSE OUR CALLS ARE CONNECTING TO ONE ANOTHER AT THE SAME TIME! WE ARE IN SYNC. WE, TOGETHER, ARE WONDERFUL...

THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU FOR THIS LIFE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND THE STRENGTH AND GUIDANCE IT HAS TAKEN TO GET ME HERE... THANK YOU.

TANGLED WEB

LIFE CAN BECOME A TANGLED WEB FOR SOME PEOPLE. A LIFE, THAT FRANKLY, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.

I BELEIVE THAT LIFE IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL AND THERE IS BEAUTY TO BE FOUND EVERYWHERE. EVEN THROUGH THE GREATEST DIVERSITY IN LIFE WE EITHER CHOOSE TO BE POSITIVE AND FIND THIS BEAUTY OR TANGLE OUR OWN LITTLE WEB AND DRAG EVEN THE PEOPLE WE CARE FOR THE MOST INTO THE MISERABLE WEB WE WEAVE.

IF SOMEONE CHOOSES TO HURT ME I CHOOSE TO LET THEM GO. YES, I FORGIVE. YES, EVEN PEOPLE THAT HURT ME ARE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE, IF I BELIEVE THEY WON'T DO IT AGAIN, BUT I GUESS I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO LIE INSTEAD OF TELL THE TRUTH AND NOT PASS THE BUCK. I AM ONE OF THE FIRST TO STAND UP AND SAY, "YES. I SAID THAT. AND I AM SORRY." OR "YES. I DID SAY THAT AND IT IS HONESTLY THE WAY I FEEL. I'M SORRY IF THAT HURTS YOU AND THIS IS WHY I FEEL THAT WAY." BUT I WILL NEVER BE THE ONE TO MENTION SOMEONE OR SOMETHING THAT WILL HURT THE ONES I LOVE. I DON'T LIE AND DON'T WEAVE A WEB BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE. EVEN IF IT IS TO SAY, "SHE SAID" INSTEAD OF "I SAID".

POINT BEING: LIFE IS WONDERFUL..

AND I WILL TRY TO ERASE THE THINGS THAT PEOPLE DO TO HURT ME ESPECIALLY THOSE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

UPDATE

HEY ALL! WELL, IT'S ME AND I'M BACK! I DON'T NORMALLY USE MY BLOGSPOT AS AN UPDATE, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY.

LIFE IS GOING GREAT! STILL NO NEW JOB, BUT I'M NOT REALLY CONCERNED AT THIS POINT.

THAT NASTY FAMILY, WHO'S NAME WE WILL NOT MENTION, FINALLY RELEASED MY LAST LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, MY ATTORNEY IS PAID IN FULL FOR HIS SERVICES, I SOLD MY RENTAL UNDER A SHORT TERM LAND CONTRACT, LANCE FOUND A GREAT APARTMENT IN DOWTOWN ALPENA ABOVE A CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORE (WE'RE HOPING TO FIND A HOME WITH THAT SAME WONDERFUL FEEL), THE GIRLS ARE HAPPY AND FEELING SASSY AS EVER (LORD HELP ME), MY HOUSE IS OFFICIALLY ON THE MARKET, MY TRUCK IS UP FOR SALE (LET'S HOPE I CAN FIND SOMETHING WITH BETTER FUEL MILEAGE), THE ANIMALS ARE GETTING BIG AND DESTROYING THE HOUSE... ALL IN ALL, LIFE IS WONDERFUL AND GOOD!

I MISS ALL OF MY FRIENDS BACK AT MG, BUT STILL FEEL THE CONNECTION TO THOSE THAT MEANT THE MOST TO ME EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT TOGETHER AND I HOPE THEY WILL USE THIS SPACE TO KEEP UPDATED ON WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH MY LITTLE LIFE.

I'LL BE IN MIDLAND THIS UPCOMING WEEKEND MOVING A FRIEND. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER. I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE NEW BEGINNING SHE HAS BEEN NEEDING.

THANKSGIVING WILL BE DOWN IN ANN ARBOR THIS YEAR WITH A FEW SURPRISES AND NEW FRIENDS TO BE MADE. I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT GOING DOWN!

WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW. I DO HAVE A BUSY DAY AHEAD YOU KNOW!?! LOL...

KEEP SMILING! IT'S CONTAGOUS!

BECC

MY KING

WOW!

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE IN LOVE!!!!! WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING!!!! THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT MAKES ME FEEL THIS WARM AND SECURE!

DO I FEEL GUILTY? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED AND PRAYED AND THIS IS GOOD. THIS IS REALLY REALLY GOOD! I DESERVE THIS, I WANT THIS, AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS JUST FEELS NATURAL AND RIGHT.

I AM TRYING TO LEARN FROM MY PAST REGRETS. GIVE, GIVE, AND GIVE SOME MORE, BECAUSE EVERY DAY COUNTS. NO INSANE WORD CAN EVER BE TAKEN BACK. DO NOT HURT. DO NOT BE SELFISH. LET THE MAN LIVE. LIVE AND BE STRONG AND TAKE EVERYTHING THAT HE HAS TO GIVE TO YOU. MAINLY - HIMSELF AND ALL OF HIS LOVE AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

I LOVE THIS MAN. I TRULY LOVE THIS MAN.

I HAVE A PICTURE IN MY MIND OF HIM, AT THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. COULD HE BE MY KING? LAUGH)))

I BELIEVE HE IS...

JUDGEMENT DAY

WELL, MY TWO WEEKS UNTIL COMPLETION HAS BEGAN.

HOW DO I FEEL? STRESSED, TIRED, BETRAYED... DEFINATELY BETRAYED. THERE WERE ONLY 3 PEOPLE THAT I CONSIDERED CONFIDANTS HERE AND ONE OF THEM BETRAYED ME. YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHICH ONE IT IS... THEY CAN'T SEEM TO LOOK YOU IN THE FACE OR SMILE. I THINK IT'S A SENSE OF EMBARRASSMENT, MAYBE FROM BEING ASHAMED OF YOURSELF AND THAT PERSON SHOULD BE. IN THIS CASE, GOOD FOR ME. GOOD FOR ME BEING "HONEST TO A FAULT" AND FINDING MY WAY OUT THE DOOR. YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE STILL STUCK AT THAT DESK THAT YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT DAILY, WORKING WITH ANOTHER THAT GETS EVERYTHING YOU WANT AND DESERVE BUT DO NOT RECEIVE, AND FINDING NO GRATITUDE FROM YOUR PEERS.

I WILL FIND MY WAY. I HAVE A HUGE SUPPORT GROUP (TAKE A LOOK AT THE PICTURE). NOT ONE OF THEM WILL BETRAY ME, NOT ONE WILL BELIEVE ME TO BE "HONEST TO A FAULT". MY PARENTS ARE PROUD OF THE WAY THEY RAISED ME. I HAVE A MAN AND A BEST FRIEND THAT WILL CONTINUE TO STAND BESIDE ME AND GIVE ME THAT LITTLE KNUDGE THAT I NEED AND ESPECIALLY THAT HUG.

SO AS I LEAVE AND START MY NEW ADVENTURE, KNOWING I HAVE SUCH INTEGRITY AND HONESTY IN ME, KNOW "THE BIG GUY UPSTAIRS" WILL REWARD ME FOR MY KIND BEHAVIOR AND I WILL NOT JUDGE BECAUSE THAT TOO SHALL COME LATER.

CONTINUATION

HEY! OKAY. MAYBE I WASN'T AS PREPARE FOR THIS CHANGE AS I THOUGHT I WAS. MAYBE I AM. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I WAS TOLD MY POSITION WAS BEING ELIMINATED AT 9AM, I PUT MY FIRST RESUME IN AT 11AM ELSEWHERE, GOT THE JOB BY 1130AM, HAD LUNCH WITH MY LOVE AT NOON, AND BACK ANSWERING PHONES BY 1230PM. I CAN COVER MY MORTGAGE FOR 3 MONTHS, HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE FOR AWHILE, UNEMPLOYMENT IF NEEDED, BUT PROBABLY WILL NEVER USE, AND OTHER RESUMES GOING OUT. I THINK IT ALL LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. ONCE AGAIN, THE SUN IS SHINING. IT'S ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT THERE AND LIFE IS STILL WONDERFUL. THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU FOR YOUR GUIDANCE, LOVE, AND CONTINUED SUPPORT...

PRIDE

WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY! THE COLORS ARE IN FULL DISPLAY AND WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FALL BREEZE... LAST NIGHT AT MY 7TH GRADER'S GAME THEY LOST FOR THE FIRST TIME. HOW PROUD I WAS OF HER, AS I SAT THERE AFTER THE GAME AND JUST HELD HER FROM THE SIDE. SHE WAS EXPERIENCING THE AGONY OF DEFEAT. I FELT SO SORRY FOR HER, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I COULDN'T HELP BUT HUG HER AND FEEL SO PROUD. "YOU PLAYED YOUR HEART OUT BABY. YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF!" HER EYES RED AND HER POSTURE SLOUTCHED... SHE JUST LOOKED WHIPPED. THIS MORNING AT WORK I TOLD A FELLOW EMPLOYEE HOW GREAT I THINK MY GIRLS ARE. I TELL MY LITTLE ONE THAT I LOVE HER OR TO HAVE A GREAT DAY AND IN HER SWEET LITTLE VOICE I GET A "THANK YOU." JUST SO GROWN UP. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM! EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME AND KNOWS OF THE DIFFICULTIES I HAVE HAD WITH MY PREGNANCIES DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD EVER CONSIDER IT AGAIN. THIS IS WHY! TO FEEL THE BABY INSIDE OF YOU, TO SEE THE MAN THAT YOU LOVE SO IN LOVE WITH THIS UNBORN BEING, TALKING TO HIM OR HER AND PLANNING FOR THAT LITTLE PERSONS FUTURE, FEELING THE LOVE AND PRIDE THAT I FELT LAST NIGHT, THAT I FEEL EVERY TIME I SEE MY BABIES SLEEPING OR DOING SOMETHING THAT THEY FEEL SO PROUD OF! THIS IS WHY I CONSIDER IT. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR HIM. DO I KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES? DOES HE UNDERSTAND THEM? IF I DO THIS, DO I KNOW THE OUTCOME? NO. NO, I DON'T. BUT I AM WILLING TO TAKE THE CHANCE AND LEAVE IT IN GOD'S HANDS. HOW COULD SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL BE DENIED?

A NEW JOURNEY

ON A DAY LIKE TODAY, ONE JUST HAS TO TAKE A LONG WALK OUTSIDE. IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND WARM AND THE SUN IS SHINING. AS I AM WALKING ALONG THE PATH I HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TODAY TO SMELL THE FLOWERS, ENJOY THE BEAUTY OF ALL OF THE CRITTERS THAT I HAVE MET ALONG THE WAY, AND TRULY ENJOYED MY JOURNEY.

RELATIONSHIPS HAVE COME AND GONE AND I ALWAYS HOPE FOR A HAPPY ENDING, WHERE IN THE END WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS OR AT LEAST SPEAK WELL OF ONE ANOTHER, BUT IN THE CASE OF THIS PAST RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL NOT BE THE CASE. I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I TOOK A WALK TO THE "WOOD SHED" TODAY WITH THE OWNER OF OUR COMPANY. I FELT GOOD WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER. AN HOUR LATER, I CAME OUT FEELING - OKAY. LIKE WE HAD COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING THAT MY JOURNEY HERE HAS ALSO ENDED, BUT I'M OKAY WITH THAT AS WELL. I HAVE LEARNED ALOT. ALOT ABOUT BEING EMPLOYED BY ANOTHER, ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, ABOUT THIS NEW TRADE I CHOSE TO ENTER, AND MOST OF ALL ABOUT MYSELF. IT'LL BE OKAY AND I KNOW THAT IT WILL AND I AM TRULY LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING MY NEXT BIG STEP OFF THE EDGE AND INTO THE OPEN AIR. I FEEL CONFIDENT THAT I WILL LAND ON A SOLID SHELF AND ENJOY MY NEXT STROLL ON A NEW GREEN GRASSY PLAIN.

MY CHILDREN ARE WELL AND MY HEART AND ARMS WILL BE FILLED BY THE MAN I CARE FOR SO DEEPLY TONIGHT.

IN THE END, ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND THIS SHALL...

TURMOIL

WELL, IT SEEMS MY LIFE IS ALWAYS IN A TURMOIL, OR AT LEAST HAS TURMOIL IN IT.

FIRST, I HAVE AN EX BOYFRIEND THAT WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. HE HAS TURNED INTO A TRUE PSYCHO! AFTER INVESTIGATING, I DISCOVERED THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT HIS PHONE CALLS, UNTIL HE ACTUALLY CAUSES ME HARM.

SECOND, I'M SELLING MY RENTAL ON A LAND CONTRACT AND THAT SEEMS TO BE A MESS RIGHT NOW. I NEVER COUNT ON THE MONEY UNTIL I ACTUALLY HAVE IT IN MY HAND, BECAUSE THESE THINGS HAVE A TENDANCY TO FALL BY THE WAY SIDE. EVERYTIME MY REALTOR CALLS, I JUST SIT THERE AND HOLD MY BREATH IN HOPES THAT THE OTHER PARTY ISN'T CANCELLING.

THIRD, I THINK I'M PLAYING A WAITING GAME AT WORK. WELL, I GUESS I KNOW THAT I AM. WAIT TO SEE IF I'M FIRED. WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. IT MAKES ME SO TIRED. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.

OH! BUT WAIT! DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE GREAT THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN MY LIFE?!?

I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HOME, A FRIEND THAT I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT, AND A MAN THAT I ABSOLUTLELY ADORE. YES. I COUNT MY BLESSINGS DAILY AND I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR THEM AND I FEEL GUILTY EVEN LOOKING AT THE NEGATIVE.

SO, THIS IS ME PULLING MY SHOULDERS BACK, RACING MY HEAD UP, PULLING MY HAIR BACK, AND TAKING A STEP FORWARD.

I AM TRULY SO TIRED... BUT THESE THINGS TOO SHALL PASS.

PUBERTY

OKAY. SO AT THE AGE OF 12 IS IT COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE NORMAL? TO THINK THAT YOUR MOM IS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!

LAST NIGHT WE WERE RIDING HOME FROM A BASKETBALL GAME THAT MY DAUGHTER'S TEAM HAD WON. WE WERE ALL IN A GREAT MOOD, LAUGHING AND JOKING! IT WAS FABULOUS! THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, MY 12 YEAR OLD DECIDES TO STOP TALKING, SMILING, OR ANYTHING THAT COULD BE ASSOCIATED WITH THE WORD "HAPPY". NOPE. NOTHING IS WRONG. SHE'S FINE. HER FACE AND BODY POSTURE LOOK LIKE THE WORLD HAS JUST CAME DOWN UPON HER, BUT NOOOOOOOO SHE'S FINE.

WE GET HOME AND STRAIGHT TO HER ROOM SHE GOES. NOPE. DINNER IS NOT AN OPTION. IT'S AFTER 8PM AND IT MAKES YOU FAT TO EAT AFTER THAT TIME YOU KNOW. UGH! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE! LANCE TO THE RESCUE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SAID OR WHAT HE DID OR HOW HE DID IT, BUT SHE CAME OUT LAUGHING AND HAPPY AND READY TO EAT DINNER.

THANK YOU LANCE. THANK YOU GOD!

IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE A MATE AGAIN? TO HAVE A FAMILY AGAIN? IF IT IS, ALL I CAN SAY IS....

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

A RAY OF LIGHT

OKAY. SO IS IT COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND TRUE LOVE TWICE? TO FIND TWO PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO YOU COMPLETELY CONNECT WITH, LOVE TO BE WITH, AND WHO JUST CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF YOU!? I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!

MY TRUE LOVE, THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, DISAPPEARED FROM MY WORLD. THE LONG BLACK TRAIN CAME AND TOOK HIM FROM US, JUST AS HE HAD THOUGHT IT ONE DAY WOULD. MY WORLD HAS BEEN RIPPED APART, TURNED UPSIDE DOWN! RELATIONSHIPS HAVE COME AND GONE, LIKE LESSONS AS A CHILD THAT MUST BE LEARNED OR TAUGHT.

BUT THEN....I MET LANCE.

HE'S LIKE A BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE TO START MY MORNING, A WARM, LIGHT BREEZE THROUGHOUT THE DAY, A MAGNIFICANT SUNSET IN THE EVENING, AND THE SOFTEST SECURITY BLANKET YOU COULD EVER FIND ALL NIGHT. HE MAKES ME FEEL SO HAPPY, SO COMFORTABLE, LIKE A LITTLE GIRL RUNNING FREE THROUGH A FIELD OF FLOWERS.

I ANXIOUSLY AWAIT THE NEXT PHONE CALL, OR TEXT MESSAGE, AND MOST OF ALL FOR THE NEXT TIME THAT WE MEET. THE LOOK IN HIS EYES WILL TAKE AWAY ALL DOUBT OR FEAR FROM MY MIND, HIS EMBRACE MELT AWAY ANY WORRY OR THOUGHT, EXCEPT FOR THOSE OF HIM AND THE LOVE THAT HE HOLDS FOR MY GIRLS AND I...

ALLELUIA

WHAT A WONDERFUL FEELING! I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT! WHEN I GOT WORD, I JUST WANTED TO DROP TO MY KNEES, RAISE MY HANDS TO HEAVEN, RAISE MY FACE TO GOD, AND THANK HIM! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! THE GIFT DID NOT HAVE TO BE RECEIVED BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER GIVEN! THIS IS FOR SURE A LIFE LESSON LEARNED, THAT I WILL MOST DEFINATELY NOT FORGET! I WAS TOLD THIS MORNING THAT LOVE AND HONESTY ARE THE TWO THINGS THAT HAVE TRULY PREVAILED THROUGH ALL OF THIS...YES. IT HAS AND ALWAYS WILL.

THE DEAD ROSE

OKAY. SO LET'S FACE IT. MY YEAR HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY NUTS! AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO INTO ALL OF THAT. LET'S DEAL WITH THE TOPIC AT HAND. LETS SAY SOMEONE GIVES YOU A GIFT, YOU REALLY DON'T WANT THE GIFT BUT THEY GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY. HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS? I LOOK AT THE GIFT AS BEING A BLACK ROSE. AND WHAT IF YOU RECEIVE THE GIFT AND YOU THINK IT CAME FROM ONE FRIEND BUT YOU FIND OUT THAT IT CAME FROM AN OLD FRIEND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH ANYMORE. YOU SEE, GIVING THE GIFT BACK IS NOT AN OPTION, BUT LOOKING AT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IS NOW SOMETHING YOU WILL HAVE TO DO. I WANT TO HIDE THE GIFT. I WANT THE GIFT TO GO AWAY. I WANT TO CRY AT THE THOUGHT OF THE GIFT HAVING EVER BEEN ACCEPTED.

BUT THE SKY IS STILL BLUE AND THE FALL BREEZE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL AND WARM. MAYBE IT'LL BE OKAY TO JUST REMEMBER THE MEANING BEHIND THE GIFT AND LEARN FROM OUR PAST MISTAKES.