Garbled Unpublished Thoughts

I have so much that I want to blog, but the thoughts and words are garbled in my mind and just sit in there. I think it is related to the full moon.

I have found that I have had peace and quiet when I have blogged in the past. That isn't happening here this weekend. (Especially when you have two 11 years olds and a 13 year old stomping through the house, all pouting at the same time, because you know I simply am NOT fair! ) The longer we are here the more the house is always filled with the laughter and chaos of girls. We love it, but it makes for little quiet time, until the moment of sleep.

I just know boys have to be easier!

Peace all.

Please check out Tabba's post from Sept 16 at http://stretchedtothelimit.blogspot.com/2007/09/sunday-morning-song-of-moment_16.html . I love that song and video. I would post the video myself, but our little Mac here won't let me. Plus, it was hers to begin with. (sending smiles))))

Message In A Blog

I read Message in a Bottle recently. A beautiful poignant love story. (It left me feeling a bit emotional and lonely but I have gotten good at making myself busy and pushing such feelings aside.)

The book definitely hit home for love lost and true love again discovered.

I would recommend Nicholas Sparks - Message In A Bottle to anyone, but not to those that are still dealing with the loss of their mate without the comfort of a new true love.

I was able to relate to both sides. Thankful.

His words of "And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about the moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry."

My dear dear friends... these dreams will pass and I am sorry that you are feeling the pain you are. I can only pray that time will heal this for you.

...and his other words, "...Before we came together, I moved through life without reason. I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together."

Does destiny exist? Is it possible that the dearest people in our lives are brought there for purpose?

"...with a gentle touch he said, "Who do you think brought him to you? I know that you will be okay now."

The last dream I ever had he was walking backwards in the white street. Happy, the happiest I had ever seen him in a dream. The next day his brother died.

I had since moved on in life, and was fortunate to have found a love deeper than any ocean, but since that dream I have been completely at peace and he has not returned for a visit. Dreams now are always of L, and L alone. Offering, as he always does in life...

Love, protection, peace, and happiness.

Yippee

This has been sitting in Draft for awhile, but didn't want you to think that I ran away...

Well, life is back to normal.

I did 8 loads of laundry yesterday. Vacuum every day. The dishwasher runs twice a day. The lights are going on early due to the season change and number of bodies in the house.The bathroom is constantly occupied. The day is continually running away from us. Lance is still working long hours (so has his moments of needed solitude).

Punky is loving school and volleyball! She is in advanced math this year and Spanish (which will give her her first high school credit!) And she is in symphonic band (which is for the more advanced players) We have really watched her "come out" since we've been here. I love it!

Peanut is Peanut every day. Thrilled to go to school and just seems happy this year! She has such a gentle soul...

Work is mingled into the mix of our busy day. I am loving some of the extended hours I have been keeping.

Life is good!

A GIFT OF WORDS

A dear friend wrote to Lance and I this week.

It's amazing how the incredible art of letter writing has dissipated with the blur of technology at hand.

He wrote:

...I'm very happy for you both. It sometimes seems the impossible task- amid the race of life and the hurried pace of the world - to find that person with whom you can see the rest of your life playing out with. While there's an endless parade of people who can satisfy some parts of our lives - friends, family, lovers- finding that one person who fulfills so many things all at the same time, well, it sometimes seems a miracle.

His words ring with such truth.

The letter continued on, articulate and beautiful.

We will frame this and put it on the wall.

It touched us more than we can reflect.

Thank you for this LJ... Thank you.

TRANQUILITY

Rain falling on a quiet evening
Walking hand in hand with the man I love
Watching the dog swim to retrieve her ball
Hearing my children laugh and play together

Listening to my dad's breathing as he sleeps
Hearing my mom say, "I love you Becc..."
Or laying my head on her lap and having her stroke my hair

Feeling the love of my sister
Having a nice conversation with one of my girlfriends
Or hearing that one of them is doing exceptionally well

Laying on my bed on a Sunday afternoon reading a good book
knowing the rest of my crew is doing the same
Watching a good football game
Or just hearing one in the background

Watering our trees
Mowing the lawn
Providing a nice smile for a stranger

Seeing a field of flowers
Smelling one.
Finding a bird's egg casing in the lawn
Seeing a field full of cattle with babies

A beautiful sunset
Or a majestic sunrise

Memories of my brother as children
Combing his hair
drawing pictures on his back with a rat tail comb
Him guessing what it is

Sitting here smiling
because the memories and list could go on and on...

MISPLACED FLATTERY

As I am walking to return a movie at Family Video today, I see a young man (a punk) sitting in a black mustang convertible. (Cigarette hanging out of his mouth, five o'clock shadow, and a cutoff shirt)

Yuck.

"Hey, Honey."

Okay. I knew something was coming. (Give him direct eye contact on your return.)

""Hey Honey" is not very respectful to the opposite sex."

Keep walking. There is a vehicle between you.

"Oh it's not? Well I just wanted you to know that you are HOT!"

Yes. I know. I'm feeling it today.

(Give me a break. You know those days! When you feel like you have the world and It's loving you.)

Why is this not flattering me? I am a thirty something mother that, most of the time, feels chubby.

Duh! Because I have an incredible husband at home that makes me feel like a princess all of the time, you pig!!

I'm sorry.

Is this really what boys today think works on girls?!?

It wasn't even his car! And the cigarette! Yuck!

Oh. By the way - We ARE NOT moving to Houston! It was a joke! You had to look at the pictures.

I WANT TO LIVE!

Just spoke to Lance and heard some disturbing news.

One of our local businessmen has passed away of a sudden massive heart attack. 47 years old!!!! An adventurer, a father, a kind, gentle looking man!

There is so much beauty in life! So much to do and see!

Why are we still here? We have two obstacles in our path and a world awaiting us.

How can we break this mold?

I want to see the world! Expose our daughters to it all! Share all of it with Lance!!

How can we do this as inexpensively as possible so we can see the maximum amount available???

Pride

It is amazing to me how much you think you know as a child and how much you want to know as an adult.

This is a conversation Lance and I have had and I just draw energy from such a conversation.

Here is a man that is so well educated. Has worked in Washington DC, has worked for and met some very prestigious people, traveled to many destinations in this beautiful country of ours and knows SO much. Yet, at the same time is so incredibly noble and respectful and never judgemental.

I opted for an awesome opportunity with Northwest instead of the four year college opportuniy. I loved my choice and never looked back on it.

I was about to list all of the accomplishments that I have made in life, but Lance has taught me that this is an inner beauty. I have SO much to be proud of! More than some with a college degree could ever touch. As I sit here and reflect at what I have done and the money that I have helped to gross in my lifetime - it is amazing! Simply amazing!

Yes. I have a proud smile on my face and I am patting myself on the back. I am also reflecting on the pride I have for so many of the success stories I have read and know of. (With and without a degree)

Whatever road you have chosen in life, if you have a success story to share - share it. Be proud. Show our children that they too can do it!

I am all about a great education, but lets also teach them that hard work in the end is where the success and pride will lay.

PS) Northern Michigan Mom is in need of your help. http://www.northernmichiganmom.blogspot.com and

Jenn needs your prayers. http://www.iservethequeens.blogspot.com/

and I can't figure out how the whole link thing works :-)

God speed!

MY DEAREST LOVE

I love this man for many things,
especially his passions,
for they are those things which are most beautiful in life.
Love and books and friendship
and beauty and nature.
And I am glad he has taught me these things,
for I know my life is better for it.
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

He is my best friend.
He has something inside of him,
something beautiful and strong.
He is filled with kindness.
He is the most peaceful man I know.
He is the closest thing to an angel I have ever met.

Words could never express the depth of the love we share.

ANOTHER GOOD-BYE

So much has happened since my last post.

My littlest girl chose to be a Bee that Friday night.

We returned home to tragic news. A family friend, the patriarch of the family's name we do not mention, passed away in a horrible motorcycle accident. Unfortunately, his wife and son were both riding behind him. She is terribly injured and their son has road rash, but they will both live.

He leaves behind SO much. So much it is amazing.

It is not the one that passes that I feel badly for, it is those left behind. The loss and the pain is so tremendous. It is never healed. It never goes away. It just gets buried. Buried until the wind blows and a piece of it gets exposed, until it is buried again. We pray that the storm doesn't hit, their lives are happy, and - that it is never completely revealed. That would not be safe for the survivors nor would it be fair to those surrounding them. Pray that the peace, once created, never be broken for them.

Let's think a minute about what the deceased are to look forward to:

1. complete peace forever
2. happiness
3. reunited with so many dear family members and friends that have passed before them

I think this is wonderful. This is perfect. This is what we all hope for!

I am comfortable with my mortality.

I hope you are as well.

God Speed, RS. I have never stopped loving you. I never will.

LITTLE BUG

What will my little bug choose to be tonight?

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

At first I just talked about it. Now I'm actually going for it.

Trying to find a second job.

I love what I do and I absolutely love the people I work for and with. I don't know that many people can say this. So I will try to find something that works around my current schedule.

I'm actually excited. Excited for the new opportunities. Excited for the new prospect of it all.

The money will help. The time off my hands will be nice. The meeting of new people and the learning of new things. I really look forward to all of this.

I know that it will become a juggling act when the girls return and school begins, but we'll work it out. We always have, plus we have Lance now. He has never let us down and I know he never will.

The running, the housework, the lawn, finding time to relax... It's all part of the game.

Bring it on!

My shoulders are back. My head is high! My parents would be proud!

I'm ready! Let's go!!!!

THIS IS MY BLOG SPOT

Just for clarification!

I think I have wonderful friends and I love my family.

I am not like many who are surrounded with my children all day and longing for a break. I am in our home for 10 hours per day plus - by myself - for the next month and a half.

I am not looking for sympathy. I simply want to share what I have with the people I love.

I have gotten in my car and driven to see my friends and family. Just like the phone. The road works both ways.

I use my blog - just like everyone else - to express my feelings. Every reader interprets the writings in different ways. Free thought.

It's amazing how many comments a blogger gets when a nerve is struck in a reader or two.

...HOME

I spent alot of time, as usual, out in the lawn working tonight. I love it out there. Everything smells so good, friendly people walking by, a neighbor will wave, another come to visit and say how incredible the lawn looks. That always makes me feel good! Lance and I have so much time and money invested in our landscaping.

It has been fun to do! We have planted arbs and rhodos, lillies, apple trees, birch, a magnolia tree... so much! Lance has placed so much mulch down - it is incredible! And with all of the fertilizer that I have put down and the weeding that K has done... it is all just amazing!

I guess I could say that it is sad, but not really. Maybe I'm a little envious. You see. The neighbors house down from us sold. A young couple moved out and another moved in. I watch all of the activity and hear all of the well wishers. "What a great house!" "Let me see this beautiful home of yours!" Young friends, elderly friends, so many people.

Lance and I have had just seven. My parents, my grandmother and her friend, A dear friend of Lance's from childhood and his bride and our beautiful, dear friend from across the street. That is all.

You see all of Lance's family and friends live at quite a distance and I suppose for others it may seem like a bit of a drive or they say that money is an issue. That is all well and fine, but I have to say when I here that they have gone here or there or done this or that and they know how often I am alone - it hurts. I try not to let it, but I want to share this beautiful gift that we have been given and that we work so hard for.

God has given us so much and we are extremely thankful for that.

I will continue to mow and weed and edge and do all of these little things that I enjoy, that make this "home" and I will find comfort in knowing that when Lance comes home he will be in awe of the beauty, just as I am, and we, together, will appreciate what few have come to enjoy.

FAREWELL MY FRIEND

I had a dear friend pass away this weekend.

We never spoke. It was a quiet friendship. A friendly smile, a respectful turn of the eye if we were out getting our newspapers at the same time in the morning, a gentle wave if one was in the car and the other in the lawn or when I saw him from inside if he was out.

I wonder if he knew how deeply I have come to care for him over the past 6 months.

He seemed to be such a gentle soul, like we shared a connection somehow. Maybe it was because he lived alone and I was so frequently alone. Maybe we were there for one another...I know now that we were.

Lance and I sat silently and sick at the dinner table as the events took place. We knew what had happened. Our neighbor was so calm and sure when she said, "Just pray that if it is his time, he is not afraid." I feel that he wasn't, that all is well with him.

Someone returned that night to turn his lights off and to close his blinds. (This is what Milo would have wanted. This is what he would have done.) "Thank you, whoever you were. Thank you for showing my old friend that kind of respect." I bow my head to you and thank you.

I will miss you my old friend. Go in peace.

THE TREASURE HUNT

Yes. It is 8:18pm and I should be up vacuuming and mopping my eldest daughter's bedroom for her before her return, but I had to blog quickly.

I am notorious for spinning around in the middle of traffic to grab whatever may be in the middle of the road. It may be a rusty nail that needs to be thrown aside, a screwdriver, a bungee strap, a flashlight, a deer (yes, I'm sorry Jenn - a deer), or a turtle (OH!!! THAT POOR TURTLE DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER!!!) I once even stopped and picked up a beaver that was dead on the side of the road, but in great shape. I took it to the DNR and then to the local taxidermist to have it stuffed for my parent's cabin. (It was said to be the largest recorded in the area's history at 84 lbs!)

Tonight it was a pair of sunglasses. I spun around through a gas station and maneuvered my way along until I reached them. Oakley!, I imagined! They were so shiny and pretty looking! Until I reached them that is. As I parked on the side of the road and darted across the highway, I was to discover that they were simply a cheap pair of scratched up shades with one arm missing. I picked them up and threw them in the car anyway. (I figured I might as well save the environment and throw them away.)

"Were they junk?", my mom asked as I called her back (because, of course, I was on the phone when I made my discovery and had to hang up quickly. This was not a first.)

"Yes! They are scratched with one arm missing! I risked my life for this!" I exclaimed.

So to all of you out there that are losing things: Could you PLEASE make sure whatever you lose is in good shape?!?

It is NOT easy work being me!

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY

I woke up to blue skies and sunshine this morning. What an incredible day!

I made it to my appointment on time, visited with a hygienist that always makes me feel good about the day, had a message on my voicemail from Lance, came home to have a rewarding conversation with my dear friend B in South Carolina, and then received this from my sister!!

I foresee this day to be a great one!

Time passes
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than you need her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters-in-laws, mothers, grandmothers, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.

Thank you to all of my supporters...

HAPPY BUT LOST AGAIN

I've had a lot of time to do things lately. Waste time really. Every minute seems to drag without our girls.

I know I'm going through a state of depression. When you enter our home and the windows are not washed and both of the girls' rooms are a disaster, after a week and a half of them being gone, you know something is not okay with me.

We watched Star Wars: Phantom Menace last night. Lance and I have made a pack to watch the entire series together. This is the one that I never watched. I have to admit I was reluctant, but I really enjoyed it! I'm excited about our idea!

He's away on business tonight and as I sit here completely alone (minus the dog and cat), it's difficult not to rush out and rent Star Wars II. This was the first drive-in movie I ever watched. It was amazing! (smile) It's fun to remember our childhood...

I've also started a new book, "Welcome To My World... Where English Is Sometomes Spoken" So far, not so good. But we'll wait and see. It's supposed to be funny.

I'm having a hard time thinking and focusing today too. No. It is not medical. (I had a lab work-up and doctor appointment yesterday and all is well. PLUS! We spent the night and day with the girls!)

I have to keep telling myself that I have to be at the dentist at 8 a.m. tomorrow, I showed up a half hour late for work today, and am still fearful I may forget my appointment!

This has to get better!!!

Until the morning light....

ACHING NEED

I'M STRANGLING. I'M CHOKING. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BREATHE! I MISS MY GIRLS SO MUCH IT CHOKES ME!

THE MAC AND CHEESE IS ON THE STOVE TOP. WHY? BECAUSE THEY LIKE MAC AND CHEESE. THEY WON'T BE HERE TO EAT IT, BUT LANCE AND I WILL. IT MAKES ME ACHE EVEN MORE BUT AT LEAST IT BRINGS THEM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO ME. I LOVE THEM SO!

THEY COULDN'T GO SWIMMING WITH MY MOM TODAY. WHY? IT'S 95 DEGREES THERE AT 3:30. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING FOR YOUR DESTINATION UNTIL LATER. IT'S 5:38 NOW AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEFT! THEY'RE CHILDREN! THEY COULD HAVE BEEN BACK BY NOW!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR NOT LETTING MY GIRLS BE CHILDREN! I HATE MY DECISION! I HATE YOU. I KNOW THAT IS STRONG LANGUAGE, BUT SOMETIMES I DO. I WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WON'T LET ME. YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. IF YOU CAN'T TREAT MY MOM AND MY CHILDREN WITH RESPECT, THEN I DO - I HATE YOU. I'M SORRY. I AM.

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. NOT WITHOUT A COURT ORDER. I'M TOO NICE. MAYBE THIS WAS FAIR BUT I DON'T CARE. LET'S TALK FAIR...

I LOVE YOU MY BABIES. MOMMY LOVES YOU.

FATHER'S DAY

THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FIRST MAN THAT I EVER LOVED. THIS - IS MY DAD.



THE WIND IS BLOWING LIGHTLY. I CAN FEEL THE BREEZE AS MY HAIR GENTLY SWEEPS ACROSS MY FACE.

THE HOSE IS RUNNING AND DAD IS OUTSIDE, ALWAYS OUTSIDE DOING SOMETHING. MAYBE HE'S WASHING HIS TRUCK AND I CAN HELP! HE ALWAYS LET'S ME HELP! I AM A CHILD AGAIN.

THE LAWN IS SO LUSH AND GREEN...

I FEEL AMAZING! SO YOUNG! SO AT PEACE! SO HAPPY! THIS IS TRANQUILITY. THIS IS CHILDHOOD!

ALWAYS SAFE. ALWAYS!

"THERE IS NO LOVE MORE ANGELIC THAN THE LOVE OF A FATHER AND A DAUGHTER."