FINDING HER WAY

Day (Not sure)

2009-07-14T21:15:00.002-05:00

Seems like it's been a lifetime. Harder when one of the girls is sad and crying. Want to hold her and make it better.

Don't understand how you can just release a living being. Turn your back on it, like it never mattered.

More Later.

Day 20

2009-07-01T12:08:00.003-05:00

So I missed several days.
Very lonely today. Very.
Wish I was headed to the cabin.
The worst feeling in the world is feeling lonely even when you have people around.
Sometimes just a hug and a smile and feeling important to those you love is all it takes.
39 days to go.

Day 4

2009-06-16T20:20:00.003-05:00

Day 4
Went well. Worked all day and then came home to take Miss Ellie for a walk and field game of Frisbee. She seems to be adjusting better. Lance switched his shift at work so I wasn't alone.
I realize that he can make me so unbelievable upset because I love him SO much.
Little bugger!
Punky called at 9:20. They had just crossed over the Alberta border into British Columbia.
I'm thankful that they are well, happy, and having such an enormous adventure!
Love you Girlies.

Day 5
Can this be right! Almost a week!?
Took Miss Ellie to the Vasa Trail after work tonight. 5K and that silly girl still wanted to come home and play Frisbee!
She's a good girl.
Lance will be home soon.
No word from the girls tonight. Hoping they will call soon.
(Maybe the crossing over the border didn't go so well this time.)
Miss you Babies...

Cont...

2009-06-14T14:48:00.002-05:00

Day 2

Ended well.
I did awesome at the driving range and most importantly, the girls sound great!
They'll be stopping 2 hours into Montana- entering Canada on Day 3

Day 3

Church was wonderful
Got a call from Peanut's cheerleading coach that her squad took a 2nd at States and is headed to Nationals July 25th.
Bittersweet feelings, as to whether we made the right decision and if this is the way it will be for her every Summer.
Doesn't seem fair to her, but I don't believe she will want to change it.
Only pray that Punky will be back in time for volleyball try-outs.
It's all she has.
Mommy loves you girls.
Here's hoping you make it through Customs.

Summer 2009

2009-06-13T09:05:00.004-05:00

Day 1-
Went to a Beach Bums Game.
Fun and amazing!

Day 2-
Another "flippin" day of bliss.
Just shoot me and get it over with!
It is SO true that a woman's children are the only things that carry her through life.
I can handle a physical fight!
DON'T give me the silent treatment!
Talk about ruining the sunshine!

Lost

2009-04-05T08:49:00.001-05:00

Sorry. I have been lost in Facebook!

I'm alive though!

Awakening

2009-03-11T09:38:00.002-05:00

We were at The Lodge this weekend with friends.

Peanut, now 12, stood in front of me as we waited for a water slide and I lost my breath! There stood my baby. My precious little girl - in a bikini. A beautiful white polka dot bikini. She looked stunning. A figure that somehow I have been blind to. Beautiful skin! Uh.

How could that happen? My precious little one.

Punky, I know. Her blue eyes shining- hair on top of her head- flowing blond- but Peanut... where did she go?

I was lucky enough to have been with my girls since they were born, but lately - obviously, not seeing them as they stand right in front of me.

Is this so? Is this how it happens?

Last night we cuddled in our bed playing games- my baby once again.
Punky,at the door, home from the gym. Beautiful and glowing.

Just the way it should be.

The Scars of Life

2009-03-05T09:36:00.002-05:00

This will apply to each of us differently-

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida , a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore..

His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the fa ther, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.'

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

Free Arby's Roast Burger With Purchase of Drink

2009-02-25T09:05:00.003-05:00

Click here to get your coupon! (Valid through March 9th)

Yummy!

FPU - Update

2009-02-24T16:34:00.002-05:00

I have had a bit of time to relax over my discomfort.

I want to explain that we LOVE Dave Ramsey!
We LOVE the program!
We have seen it work!
It has worked for us!
It is working for us!
And we know people who are FREE because of this lifestyle. Alleluia!

It is our instructor that I am uncomfortable with.
And "yes" I have confronted him, at his asking, in front of the entire class.
He told our class where you can get the lowest interest rate on a car loan in our town!
He spoke LAST NIGHT of how he bought a car on a credit card and then paid it off with stock, or something!
Hello! Are we understanding the Dave Ramsey program here!?
Are we listening to the same videos and reading the same books!?
Using the same budget!? Helloooooooooo!

Lance says I just need to "let it go".
But it makes me SO mad!

What a hypocrite!
I mean, I really liked this man!
Now I want to switch classes.
Not that that is an option-
But it makes me mad!

We will continue to follow the program and do what we KNOW is right-
BUT ooooooooo.....

Idol Update

2009-02-19T16:24:00.001-05:00

One of "my boys" made it!

Hope For Our Children

2009-02-16T09:48:00.003-05:00

Quick Blog

2009-02-10T16:09:00.002-05:00

Financial Peace University is completely awesome!
The Gazelle Budget is more than we could have imagined!
And SO much fun!

We are still working on Baby Step 1, but it will be complete by mid-February, if not before!
Looking forward to the Debt-Snowball after that! (Not that we have a lot, but ANY debt stinks!)

OH! Our tax return!
I better get busy on that!
Rock on!

Hormonal Surge

2009-02-04T09:44:00.009-05:00

Life has been a little rough for me lately.

There are always bumps and high spots, but when it comes to the people closest to me I tend to have thinner skin. (Sorry My Love)
It's funny (not really) because I can laugh and be bubbly and then I come crashing down; like a boulder down the side of a mountain! Watch out!

I'm bubbly today. Flat out HAPPY.
So what gives!?!

Alright gals, I am not comfortable with this, but I think I need hormone treatment.
Seriously! I missed a period (NO! THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE!) and for 2 days this week I was insanely moody!

Now? Fine. Like nothing happened!
I hate it!

So, girlfriend to girlfriend- What do I do now?
I'm only 30 something!!!

My Moment To Babble

2009-01-31T11:29:00.005-05:00

I've been online this morning reading blogs. There are some of you that I miss very much. Tabba- someday I hope you return. You always radiated such a positive energy and I loved your Sunday Songs. You'll notice some of them on my playlist.

There is one friend I'll never give up on. (You know who you are.) I'll never understand why you wrote me off of your list of "friends". I hold you next to my heart and always will. I have to say, I'm so relieved when you give me a glimpse of your life now and pained at the same time (you know I watch your blog). There are people in your life (we've talked about them- I've watched it and lived it beside you) that will smile and tell you how happy they are for you, but then say nothing but negative things about you when you walk away. I hope you know that I am not one of those people and never have been. I love you. I will always love your children. I love that you have found happiness. I pray that you are living the life that you've longed for. I know that you have felt the feeling of "I want to share this with you so bad, but I can't! This is mine. This is ours! This is so special! If I let someone in, it may become tainted." I'm here when and if you are ever ready. I guess it's just been awhile since the feeling of "waiting" has left though and I'm glad for that. (You waited for "him" - I waited for "you" Not the same but so similar in so many ways.) We both moved on.

On a happier note!!!

My husband and I went to one of our favorite restaurants last night! The Red Ginger! It was fabulous! (One of our New Year's goals was to have 2 date nights per month. We have had SO much fun!)

OH! Have I mentioned that our little Punky has been asked to enroll in all Honors/ Advanced Placement courses for her Sophomore year and that our little Peanut did incredible at State cheerleading finals?!! That's right! Uh Huh! You go girls!!!

Like I said "My Moment To Babble"!

Have a great weekend!!!

Ametuers- Are We Sure?

2009-01-29T15:52:00.008-05:00

Okay!

I (WE) are HUGE American Idol fans!

Last night we fell in love with Frankie Jordan and her sweet little family. (Not to mention that her husband is incredibly fine looking)

Regardless-

I am confused as to how she can be on American Idol, when she already has a recorded song - THAT she sang last night!

Go ahead! I know you don't believe it! I didn't either! Pull it up on your search engine. (I'll wait)There are other videos on You Tube as well. It's true. (Head hanging low)

How can this be? Tell me...

Wildflowers Photography

2009-01-28T10:31:00.005-05:00

Please take a moment to enjoy this beautiful photography!

I find her work so touching and amazing!

Financial Peace

2009-01-27T15:49:00.002-05:00

We are doing it!

We are choosing to live like no one else NOW so we can live like no one else LATER!

We are on Baby Step 1 and it feels great!

I'll keep you updated on our progress and if you're not familiar with Dave Ramsey- HE IS AMAZING! Give it a look and BUY THE BOOK!

Happy Budgeting!

Revelations

2009-01-22T08:12:00.006-05:00

A Kind Reminder For All Of Us Today:

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only 1 of 2 things will happen; either He'll catch you when you fall or He'll teach you how to fly! (The power of one sentence!) God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close.

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing...

A Light-Hearted Poem

2009-01-15T16:22:00.003-05:00

MICHIGAN POEM
Poet: Unknown (But Boy is This Cute)

It's winter in Michigan

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Michigan

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Michigan

'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Lost Opportunity

2009-01-12T14:49:00.004-05:00

The air has been taken from my sails.
My shoulders cannot seem to stay back.
My head hangs low.
Tears pool in my eyes.

It is difficult to answer the phone.
A smile will not form.

"Another will come along."
"We'll work at it harder."
"Have you considered going back?"

With what time?
With what money?
Will it matter?

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-05T14:47:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

...and a great one it has been thus far!

We have a new "family" plan in place and lots of goals set!

We have signed up for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University! We have already read his books and pretty much follow the plan, but we are looking to fine tune and know this is it!

We have gone to our first church and plan on "trying" others, until we find one that we all like. The one we attended Sunday was simply beautiful! (Have I mentioned that we live in a GREAT city?!?)

The list continues on from there and we are all very excited about 2009!

Happy New Year! (I'm loving all of your blogs!)

Something To Ponder

2008-12-30T20:56:00.002-05:00

Loneliness
by Rebecca Drollinger

It is cold today
Indeed the rain is falling and I am alone.
Thoughts of life and love,
meaningless to anyone but myself.
I am alone.
They watch me, their eyes not knowing,
knowing nothing of what they see.
I am but another creature, alone.
They scurry on the surface, unaware,
unaware of the life below
when you are alone.

Loneliness, not a burden nor a sorrow,
but a time of solace, of deepness
never to be shared, never to be understood.
They can never reach the place where I am
And I know I will never reach the place where they are.
I know I don't want to reach that place.
True happiness is here, unmisted.
Unmisted by smiles or laughter,
unmisted by the joys of company.

To find true happiness,
to know if one is truly happy,
he must be happy alone.

"He must be happy alone"
Really?

Sunday Morning

2008-12-28T12:59:00.004-05:00

Good Morning/ Afternoon all!

I have had some time this morning to not only work on my playlist but also my blog this morning. I have to say that I'm pretty happy with the results.

Lance and the girls are all out of town for a short while and although this left me with a sense of complete loneliness this morning, I am proud to admit that, YES, I have taken some time to do the things that I enjoy and generally find to be a waste of time.

You will find my playlist now located in the right hand column. This is for you to enjoy. All you have to do is press the play arrow in the center of the blue box. I have set it up on shuffle, so each time you will have a new song to begin with. The little "pop-out" box will allow you to continue playing the music as you work around the house or even continue doing whatever you need to online. Just press "pop-out" and you're all set!

There is a variety of music styles posted, so maybe this is an opportunity to try something new, or listen to something old!

I'd really like you're input here. If there is something that you'd like me to add- just let me know!

Have a great one Folks and thank you for visiting!

Christmas Excitement

2008-12-23T09:37:00.002-05:00

We're almost there!!!

That song just makes me HAPPY!!!

Calming Realization

2008-12-18T09:01:00.000-05:00

There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will..
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future..

My Favorite

2008-12-16T04:56:00.002-05:00

The first of two big days, My Friend.

I love you.

God- Please give us strength!

Sorrow

2008-12-12T14:39:00.003-05:00

I will miss you every day that I remain.
I love you...

Santa Baby

2008-12-05T16:53:00.002-05:00

Because sometimes we all just wish we could be a little greedy, sexy, and in that little red Santa suit turning our man on...

A Prayer For You

2008-12-01T10:09:00.003-05:00

To all of my female blogger friends:

Dear God:

The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong,
and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote
her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest
places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times. Lift
her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She
will always be safe.

Have a great day!

Baby Steps

2008-11-28T08:47:00.003-05:00

Alright all!

I can't post a picture of this, because it's a stocking stuffer, BUT...

I bought 2 items today. They would have been $2.48 each, but it was buy one get one free! Plus, I had a $1.00 off coupon!

I walked out paying $1.43!!!!

Yahoo!!!!

The Invisible Mom

2008-11-24T10:42:00.004-05:00

This was sent to me today.
It came just as I needed it most.

The Invisible Mother......

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously, not.

No one can see that I'm on the phone, or cooking, or vacuuming the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The Invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Music Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Can you pick me up at 5:30?'

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Tracy had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic when Tracy turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .
I wasn't exactly sure why she' d given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, 4 life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte . I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile about. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be o n.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my daughter to tell the friend she's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want her to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to her friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot see if we're doing it right.
And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does. We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

Interesting

2008-11-21T10:09:00.002-05:00

What Happy People Don't Do

By RONI CARYN RABIN
Read in the NY Times

Happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers - but they don't spend a lot of time watching television, a new study finds.

Coupons!!!

2008-11-19T16:52:00.004-05:00

I have found a new coupon site that is amazing!!!

Give it a look!

http://www.ppgazette.com

Wow! What a savings!

Cheater Cheater

2008-11-17T12:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry Folks.
This song rocks!

More Than Me

2008-11-12T13:35:00.005-05:00

I'm always tired, it seems.
On the go non-stop- but always tired.

And then I started thinking:

As I lay in bed, my little wheels are already turning:

Did Lance make the coffee?
No.
Should I make coffe.
Na.
Better get up.
Need to get the girls moving.
Go downstairs.
Go upstairs.
Get dressed.
Do my hair.
Do my make-up.
Are they up?
Is Peanut up here eating yet?
Do I hear Punky down there?
Make my lunch.
Eat my cereal.
Do I have my blood meter?
Punky- Did you take your pill?
Did you take your nasal inhaler?
Do you have lunch money? ID?
Is your bed made?
Peanut- Hair? Teeth? Shoes? Flute? Deoderant? Bed?
What time is it?
Dishwasher is running.
Washer is going.
Clothes are hung and the dryer is running.
Kiss Lance.
Out the door.
Feed the dog!
No.
When we get home.
Back out.
Close the garage door.
All in 45 minutes.
Sigh.
Off to work.
...

Yeah. We get a little tired.
And they wonder why we drink.
Just kidding.

Exhausted

2008-11-11T14:20:00.003-05:00

There are some wounds that never heal
Pains that only fade
In the blink of an eye
The twitch of a muscle-
The wound re-opens
The pain returns
With the same fervor it originally held.

Doing the dishes in silence
Closing ones eyes in the shower
Brushing your teeth
Blankly looking in the mirror
The moment can occur at any time.

The return is knee buckling.

It's not asked for
It's not wanted
It's the kind of pain that you will hear-
"I don't know how you lived through that! I never could!"
But you do.

Bury it.
Conceal it.
Shake it off when the pain returns.
...if you can.

Historical Day

2008-11-04T10:06:00.002-05:00

Today we will either have our first African-American President-
Or our first female Vice-President.
A historical day, for sure.

No matter who you choose-
Choose to vote!

The Twelfth of Never

2008-11-03T16:50:00.001-05:00

Happy Belated Anniversary, My Friends.
You truly are an inspiration.

Thought For The Day

2008-10-23T07:19:00.001-05:00

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Enjoy every moment-
Make these the times that you will look back and smile upon.

I'm Frustrated

2008-10-03T15:06:00.006-05:00

Let me take a deep breath.

Inhale in.
Exhale out.
Slowly now.
Let's try it again.

Good.

My car is having a few minor maintenance issues.
The problem is that these "minor" little issues cost $1200 to fix. (according to the first bid that we received) Oh! $998 because "business is slow, they need work"... and did I mention - we just gave them $1200 two months ago to fix Lance's car?

Okay. Bit of a problem here. We don't have $1000!!!

I'm a little stressed.
So, when I call to ask for help, on what I should do, and I have to answer the phone for 10 million customers in 1 hour - while trying to do that, PLEASE do not roll your eyes at me on the other end, because I CAN see it over the phone!

And if you want me to do it - then great!
1. Throw my shoulders back!
2. Begin to ask the family that I hold dear, 45 hours per week, for help.
a. Who do you recommend?
b. What do you think of this bid?
c. Who do you think we should call?
3. Start the calls!

Yes! Found a great one. Sounds nice, intelligent, has traveled the globe, and YES he loves Switzerland! I have found our man!

I call my manager, and friend. He's excited for us! Drop the car on Sunday and he will bring it back into work (35 miles away) when it is ready! Awesome!

I call Lance (by this time it is 3pm mind you, because I have been "kicking ass and taking names" at work today). He says,"I'd feel more comfortable just taking it to Midas 5 miles away. (Real laid back)

OH MY LIVING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh. Okay." (shaking head side to side "like duh")

Friday

2008-09-18T12:36:00.006-05:00

I want to go home.

Home to a life of security.
Home to a life of being outdoors.
Wandering in the woods,
Picking flowers.
Two tracking around in my pickup truck.
Walking the beach at the bay.
Riding around on my snowmobile in the sun.
Taking a four-wheeler anywhere I want to explore.
Laying down on my bed,
Looking out the window,
Hearing football in the living room.
The smell of a roast in the oven.

I miss home.

Worrisome

2008-09-18T12:36:00.005-05:00

Well, it's been almost 1 month since I have blogged. Sad. Isn't it. It's not that I don't think about it. I am just hesitant to do it at work and by the time I get home, I don't even want to look at a computer!

_________________________________________

Here is what your day can feel like when you are thinking of the one you love but cannot reach that person:

Longing:
1. strong, persistent desire or craving, esp. for something unattainable or distant: filled with longing for home.
2. an instance of this: a sudden longing to see old friends.

Concern
–noun
1. worry, solicitude, or anxiety: to show concern for someone in trouble.

Worry
–noun
1. a worried condition or feeling; uneasiness or anxiety.
2. a cause of uneasiness or anxiety; trouble.

Anxiety
noun
1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
2. Psychiatry: A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.

Anger
–noun
1. a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
2. Chiefly British Dialect. pain or smart, as of a sore.
3. Obsolete. grief; trouble.

...and when the moment finally happens:

Relief
–noun
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.
2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

...plus tears of joy and relief to alleviate the tension.

Mmmmm....

2008-08-19T11:17:00.002-05:00

A two day weekend together approaching...

Breathing Easier

2008-08-07T21:14:00.003-05:00

Ahh... The repairs are complete, almost.

I continue to peak through the cracks, almost hoping for a clear view, but then I hurry and look away. Happy to be dancing around in my happy home again. The clear sunny sky above me, my earth walls around me.

Damaged Fortress

2008-08-06T12:01:00.005-05:00

I have created a fortress around myself over the past few years. I try not to look at the past. It hurts too much.

It's like I have been kicked in the stomach. A rock came crashing through one of my walls last night and I have been running around gathering clay and straw and water and everything else I can find to repair the damage. My problem is, as hard as I am working to fix it, I can still see out of the opening. I don't want to! It hurts to see outside! Please stop! I don't want to know what happened! I can't go there! I can't. (Head hanging low)

I will never understand. Never. The why's, the how-could-you's. Everything was taken from us.

My life has been rebuild. My life is wonderful. I have a man that loves me more than anything in this whole world!

I want to beg of him to help me repair this hole! (My stomach hurts. I cannot sleep at night. The pain is seeping in.) But I can't. I can't hurt him. (I can't talk about it.) I can't let anyone else hurt him either! I will do everything to protect him and our children!

So instead I will struggle. I will pray and I will get this hole repaired - by myself. Head up. Shoulders back. Biceps straining with the load. But it's working and I will!

My love is never ending. My strength transferred. He is our blessing from God and I shall forever be grateful. Please give me strength...

Deep Breath

2008-08-03T12:21:00.004-05:00

I struggle with why am I a "giver". I don't even know if that is what I would call myself. Maybe I just can't stand up for myself. I am constantly the main character that Julia Roberts played in "Runaway Bride". She couldn't tell Richard Gere's character how she liked her eggs because she had always thought she liked her eggs according to however her partners liked their eggs at the time. Was it scrambled? Sunny side up? With dill? She didn't know.

Why is it when I go into a store I will buy the ingredients that another likes instead of what I want? A shirt for another but not one for myself? I will walk out of an art gallery and dream of the beautiful $11 handcrafted coffee mug, that I would have loved to have had for myself and day dream about it, instead of just saying how much I love it and buy it.

Sometimes I would love to grab the snacks and soda that make me happy along with that People magazine that I enjoy so much, instead of making do with what is already available to me.

I just want to drift down the river with a picnic lunch with the man that I love instead I ensure him how much I love him and that I would love to do what is suggested instead.

I love my life and I love what God has placed before me and God please forgive me. I want to canoe and not golf, I want a Diet Coke not water. I want a radio under my kitchen cabinet to bring music into the room. I want my girls to be able to write on their bedroom walls.

I feel how slumped over I am with the weight that need not be, tears streaming from my eyes, longing to cry in my mom's lap.
Sit proud, take a deep breath, blow your nose, put a smile on your face, get out of the darkness, and go for a walk. Nobody will know the difference or that your pity party existed. This is who you are. This is who I am.

Good Weekend

2008-07-27T10:17:00.004-05:00

As I opened the Weekend Edition of The Wall Street Journal last night, I was so happy to find so many of my most enriching topics to read about.
1 - Carolyn Kennedy, on the front page.
2 - Dalai Lama on page two. and last but never least
3 - Randy Pausch

In case you have not listened. PLEASE take the time:

Rest In Peace. We know you will.

Du Ditty Du

2008-07-24T19:03:00.004-05:00

I heard this song on my way to work this morning. It just made me smile and happy.

And the video reminds me of my girlfriends that I will be seeing tomorrow. Lord help our husbands!!!

Cheers!!!

Summer's Breeze

2008-07-04T08:41:00.005-05:00

It's been a busy summer thus far.

The lawn is a beautiful green with flowers in as many lawns as you pass. The Blue Angels have been flying overhead with a roar of a zillion. Vineyards have been tasted. Deep sultry Madeleine has been heard accompanied by Dr. John. The stores of downtown have been visited, on more than one occasion. There will be parades and fireworks abound today.

These are the simple yet pleasure filled moments of life that I have learned to take in and enjoy.

The girls have been gone since mid-June with just a short return recently. They seem happy this year. Happy while they are away and happy to return. They are learning to enjoy their moments and their surroundings and find solace at each home. Beautiful they are. Simply beautiful. My heart overflows.

New England soon and the sweet smell of the mountain and the water.

Aah...

The joys of breathing-

Of life.

Le Amare' Hasta Finales Del Tiempo

2008-05-18T08:45:00.007-05:00

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly." -Frank Outlaw

and we flew.

I have many people to thank for helping me to take flight, but none more greater than Lance.

He has taught me that life is like a flower floating on the water, there is beauty in every day.

He gives unconditionally, whole-heartily. Never asking, expecting, or taking.

Thank you, God, for this man and everything he stands for.

One year has passed yet it seems our souls have been connected within the universe since before our time.

Happy Anniversary Baby

My Beautiful Blessing

2008-05-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Baby Girl...

Checking In

2008-05-07T21:28:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since I've been here. I'm not even sure that I want to be here now, but I do stop by to visit and check up on my ol' friends.

I hope you are all well.

When the words return and time prevails, so shall I.

New Found Spirit

2008-04-03T18:33:00.004-05:00

Hello All!

I was told the other day that I have a few followers from my past.

Hello! We think of you often! Thank you for finding me! ...and to a little missy we know in Bulldawg country, "GET ON THAT PUMP!!! It's incredibly awesome! I can't begin to tell you the benefits! I know. I know. I know! but think about it. Okay? Okay."

Well, we've had a lot going on.

We moved to our new city at the end of February. We love it here! We love our house. We love our schools. Lance loves his job here and I found a great job within 2 weeks time! I work with amazing people! I can't believe that so many kind decent people are available to me every day. God truly has blessed each of us.

The girls are with their other half for Spring break. I talk to them &/or chat online with them every day. They seem happy and well and of course full of spirit.

I've missed blogging. I'm happy to be here. I'll visit as often as I can.

God Bless and know we think of all of you.

Becc

White Hair Panick

2008-02-17T21:51:00.006-05:00

OH MY LIVING LORD!!!!!

As all of you may or may not know, I let go of the blonde and went dark. Right?

Wrong!!!!!!!

I am seeing 1-2 inches of growth that are white!!!!

Bull honky Baby!!!

Wrinkles. My age. My little flubber belly. DO NOT bother me.

This does!!!!!

Adventure

2008-02-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

Hello America!

Just kidding! I've been away so long. I feel like I've returned from a long trip.

We have entered The Tiger into our Mac and I feel like a new blogger! I love it!!

It has been busy here! I now work two jobs that I absolutely love, the girls are doing great, we sold our house, and we're moving to a new city to be a family again! Woo Hoo!!

I stand by my moto that Life Is Great! Full of stumbles but GREAT!

Hope all is well with all of you!

Becc

Keeping The Faith

2008-01-27T11:23:00.000-05:00

Sundays's Quote, before I head off to work:

"True love doesn't just fill your heart, it overflows into your whole body and soul."

Volcanic Eruption

2008-01-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

The calm. The calm before the storm.

The stream and molten rock slowly begin to rise.

A small eruption occurs.

The smoldering gases cannot withstand the pressure any longer and the volcano erupts with a violent force.

God grant me the strength I must have and protect my children from the wrath that is bound to bestow them.

I have held them for as long as I can, to make them feel safe. Now I must shield them with my entire being!

Looking Toward Our Future

2008-01-13T10:02:00.000-05:00

Our goal for 2008 is to become Debt Free (other than our primary home).

I am SO looking forward to this day, when Lance and I can scream "We are debt free!!!!"

What an amazing feeling that will be!

We are taking Baby Steps and we are on our first, but this is so soothing. To know we are on our way... Wow!

Pray for us and wish us luck!

Faith

2008-01-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

"ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN?"

That was THE question a stranger walked up and asked me at work last night.

I'm proud to say that I could feel my shoulders go back and my response:

"YES I AM."

"I thought so. I could tell."

...and he casually walked away.

Sunday Morning - Kindness

2008-01-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

I have learned that some people just ARE NOT good. Most of these individuals seem to enjoy misery and want you to drowned in it with them.

There are others that radiate goodness. Just by their smile and the light in their eyes. These are the people that make me feel warm and comfortable.

When I must stand and listen ALL DAY LONG to the negativity of the "not so good people" as I work, it makes me feel nerved up, anxious, like I just want to run! Run outside into the sun and fresh air! I know this is what causes my tension, my need for release, my need to be out of that environment.

***Oh My Goodness!!!!****
While I was writing this on paper (Yes. This is one thing I did at work yesterday morning because we were SOOOO busy) a customer went out, down to McDonald's, bought me a hot cappuccino, and brought it back to me. Hot! OMG! Just because I seemed like a "nice" person!

Random acts of kindness girls! Random acts of kindness!

I discovered in my writing that this negative person was pulling me down to her level. As much as I thought it wasn't happening... It was!

Thank you Sir. Thank you for making me stop in my tracks and see kindness, as I watch the negative walk away.

Hey! Maybe this red hair IS working for me! (wink)

Footloose And Fancy-free

2008-01-04T20:03:00.000-05:00

Hey Girls!

I'm back! and I'm feeling fine! (There's two more for ya Liv!)

I love it when I have a day filled with accomplishment, but especially when it is unplanned!

When I open up my checking account online to discover there is money in there!

I pay our bills and still have a little money left and know more is coming. Not a lot, but enough.

When I get court paperwork ready, praying God will help us, and that family that also must GO. No pay. No stay. Sorry. Don't get me wrong now. I wish I could afford to offer her a free place to stay, but unfortunately my checkbook doesn't reflect that.

I love it when I read your blogs and you just make me FEEL GOOD! OH, I feel so good! Uh! (I think that was a cheer from high school. :-)

Oh! And I forgot to mention that I am now a dark redhead! No. I am not joking. This blonde is now deep dark brownish red!

Do I like it? hmmmm...... I'll let ya know.

Okay Gals! Keep writing, keep reading, please comment, and as Jenn and Tabba have both reflected: Let's make this world a better place!

Smiles...

Drifting

2007-12-30T11:50:00.000-05:00

It has been so long since I have checked my blog that the web page didn't even come up when I started to type it in.

Life has been fuller than usual lately.

Christmas was absolutely wonderful. We spent it at my parents' home. It was the first time I had been home for Christmas since I was 19 years old and the first time they have had children in the house on Christmas morning in years! It was so much fun!!

My cell phone has been in pieces for quite some time now, which seems to cut my communication with friends a bit. Family continued to call. (They always do.) Christmas cards were light this year (most came from Lance's family), but that's okay. We sent out 9 opposed to our usual 90 this year. I did send our Christmas letter via email for those that I had, but response to those were light as well. It tells me that we are all a bit too busy or maybe that life tends to drift us back and forth to one another over time, like a tide to the shore. I still think of my friends and distant family often and hope they are well.

Times are tough right now. I have faith and know that they will get better. One house will sell, one renter hopefully will pay rent, another will financially disappear, that kind old man at the mall will find a friend, and our girls will return safely.

Hope remains. It always does.

At A Lose

2007-12-05T17:31:00.000-05:00

I've been reading some of your blogs today and I agree. Things are So busy right now and my mind has silenced itself a bit.

Lance is still gone. My longing for him is almost overwhelming. I work (I cannot stand on my feet at the end of the day), bank, take care of the house, the dog, the cat, the kids, but it's all done with a sense of robotics. Even eating is difficult unless it is lunch break at work.

You would have to read some of my earlier posts to understand the depth of lose that I have lived through. Lance has completely and fully helped to heal the open wounds and fill my heart. Without him, my mind and body have difficulty... no my entire being wants to shut down. (I sob every time we hang up the phone.)

His absence has given me some time to reflect a bit though on many that I miss and feel I have lost touch with somewhat.

Jenn- I am So thankful God has come to you (Or that you were able to finally let him in) and that your Kingdom is good for you right now. I pray it never ends and this truly is your fairy tale. You deserve it. You certainly have been there for me and I will always love you.

MF- Are you okay? Our text messages have become fewer and fewer. I know this time of year sucks for you and I'm sorry. I think of Lynne every single day and the girls still pray to her every single night. I love you and I miss you.

SS- Your first Christmas. I'm sorry. Please know I will never forget Max.

JR- I miss you sometimes and think of you every single day. I will never forget everything you have taught me, done for me, and the moments we shared. I hope you are well.

My list could go on and on but those are the people that flood my mind daily, that I can't let go of and don't want to.

To everyone else: Love, prayers, and strength to you.

Please know that you too are on my mind and in my heart.

Missing You

2007-12-03T11:57:00.000-05:00

(Just the words)

I miss you Baby....

Whatta Weekend

2007-12-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure where to begin this morning. What a whirlwind of a weekend!

3. Waking up this morning there must be a foot of snow out there! (I guess I need to shovel, by the way.) It is BEAUTIFUL! I love the snow! (Well. It is our first storm. Talk to me in February.)

2. LSU wins. Will Miles return to Michigan?!? He says no, but I'm not sure if I believe him. I say let that man, and those Boys, enjoy their victory - their championship - and in the end if Miles doesn't want the position FINE. Let's find us a true Victor who wants the position, that will treat our players and school with the respect they deserve. Maybe we already have him. Have we taken a good look at our Defensive Coordinator?

1. My poor parents. (Period) How could such beautiful, giving people, that continue to give give give every day that they live, be SO incredibly violated - again? I try not to hate. (I have a hard time with that.) But the "whys?" will not stop. It angers me so badly that another person thinks that it is okay to go into another's sanctuary and steal! To take a crowbar and demolish such perfect craftsmanship! ...and the wolf. He traveled such a long way to get here. A memory of the perfect vacation... I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I'm sorry that you continue to be challenged. Yes. We all know it could have been worse, but I still pray for your security in knowing that you are safe.

I love you.

Morning Prayer

2007-11-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

Lance has pulled away to begin a new adventure in a new town. The girls and I must stay behind due to school and the house.

The ache in my chest is almost unbearable. It feels difficult to breathe. His coffee cup sat solo in the sink empty. I HAD to get rid of it! I put it in the dishwasher immediately.

Even the dog feels the good-bye; as she lays on her love seat, head down, sad.

I know this is not permanent. I know we will be joining him. We don't know if we will see him this week, this weekend, or next. That is the hard part.

And he doesn't have a place to stay Until December 1. The insecurity that this brings is intense. Money isn't exactly growing on trees for us, so staying in a hotel for 5 nights is a burden, but I know God will take care of us. In fact, since I have been typing the phone has rang offering me hours next week and the following at one of the schools. I love working with the children and this phone call is rare. Normally they call the day a sub is needed. So thank you again Lord.

It is a beautiful fall day. The temperature is warm enough to keep the roads dry for Lance and our faith strong.

My God, continue to guide and bless us and keep our hearts warm through the distance.

Therefore do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?"
"What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?"
For after all these things the Gentiles seek.
For your heavenly Father knows that you need these things.
Matthew 6:31-32

Dalai Lama

2007-11-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

I am SO intrigued right now!

I need to know more! I'm like a child in a new home! I want to examine every closet, every room!

Are there books you can recommend? Something that is not "dry" for this westerner. (My sister-in-law recommended The Wisdom of Forgiveness.)

Is there a movie?

Please help! and Thank you!!!

A Parents Agony

2007-11-07T08:50:00.001-05:00

My music is playing in the background, Ellie is running around so happy I can hear her heart beating. The morning is cold and brisk and beautiful.

Peanuts oral procedure went well and is finally over.

It was so hard on her and as a parent I don't think I can go through it again. She was such a trooper but looked over at me as if to say, "Mumma, please don't let them hurt me. Please! I don't want to be here! Please!!! Tell them to stop!!!"

I knelt next to her holding her hand, my other on her little shoulder, begging God to let it be over, forcing my own tears of pain not to drip. "Please God please! I will never make her go through this again! Never! No matter what that orthodontist tells us! Never will my poor little baby sit in a chair and go through this again!"

The tears. The pain. The mental ache. Never again.

I'm so sorry Peanut.

Our New Protection

2007-11-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry. I couldn't help but blog this. I lmoa! Enjoy!

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool.

To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? YAH....

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK!!!

I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, smelling like pee, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid ass!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew nto my body somewhere around my rib cage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

I think Robot and I found the girls' and my defense!

Reporting For Becc

2007-11-02T09:45:00.000-05:00

Something to listen to as you read:

Wow! I can't believe it has been that long since Becc has blogged!

I'm sorry. She is out today so I will be blogging for her.

You see, she was laid off from her job on October 25th & her husband received a transfer to another city on October 27th (they just moved here in January). So, she is out job searching again and their home is up for sale by owner.

Call her selfish. Call her depressed. But I do not think she wants to do this again. It's like she is me, a robot, with a fake smile on her face trying to pretend that everything is okay. Don't get me wrong, this is a decision that they made together - they always do, but this time is different. For some reason she is not comfortable with it. Maybe it's the girls, maybe it's the anxiety of opening up their lives to others and letting them into their sanctuary. Maybe it's being alone again. I don't know.

But I want to scream for her,"Who is this for?!?" "Why are you doing this?" "She doesn't want to shovel snow and snow blow and take care of this house and the girls by herself, for God only knows how long!" "I don't want to have to protect us from that wacko across the street and the scary one next door! God knows Becc doesn't have the strength either!" "Who is going to protect them when a man comes to the door after dark or they have to go around the side of the garage to get in the truck at night?" "Who will hug her and tell her how amazing she is when she needs it the most, without her saying a word?"

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what this is doing to her emotionally this time.

I can see that she misses him already.

As I read this, I want to slap myself. "Straightened up! My God! Get a grip on yourself! She can do it! She always does! She'll throw her shoulders back. Pick her head up and get to her damn interview, like she knows she has to!"

Pray for her folks.

The Mom Song

2007-10-17T13:51:00.001-05:00

Welcome to another week!

The New Do

2007-10-16T08:45:00.000-05:00

"Help Me!" Babble

2007-10-14T19:08:00.000-05:00

I'm looking for some help if any of you have a suggestion.

I want a new look for my blog. Something that represents me and what I am trying to say. Something with a little pink.

I surf so many blogs and so many of them are simply adorable!

Thanks a bunch!!

***************************

Well, I finally did it! I entered 2007 and cut all of my hair off.

So "yes" this means I need to post a new picture. I know.

I really really like it!

***************************

I have had a great day today, but difficulty with the parenting end of life when one "Punky" came home to make "2".

Uh! God help me! I have to be doing something wrong here!!!!

So, I went and took this quiz:

Parenting
A fun test to find out what type of parenting style fits you.
www.AreYouASlackerMom.com

??? I don't understand my answer ????

Are You a Slacker Mom?
1. This quiz is for moms, and moms are traditionally female, but just to be sure, what's your gender?
Your answer:
Arnold Schwarzenegger may be the "Governator," but he played a pregnant FATHER in the 1994 movie Junior. Oh, if only it were possible…

Differences

2007-10-09T07:58:00.000-05:00

He will no longer

in·tim·i·date [in-tim-i-deyt]
–verb
1. to make timid; fill with fear.
2. to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.
3. to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear: to intimidate a voter into staying away from the polls

or

a·buse [v. uh-byooz; n. uh-byoos]
–verb
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse one's eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

or

use [v. yooz or, for pt. form of 9, yoost; n. yoos]
–verb
1. to employ for some purpose; put into service; make use of: to use a knife.
2. to avail oneself of; apply to one's own purposes: to use the facilities.
3. to expend or consume in use: We have used the money provided.
4. to treat or behave toward: He did not use his employees with much consideration.
5. to take unfair advantage of; exploit: to use people to gain one's own ends.

me!

I will continue to teach my girls:

kind·ness [kahynd-nis]
–noun
1. the state or quality of being kind: kindness to animals.
2. a kind act; favor: his many kindnesses to me.
3. kind behavior: I will never forget your kindness.
4. friendly feeling; liking.

and

strength [strengkth, strength, strenth]
–noun
1. the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
2. mental power, force, or vigor.
3. moral power, firmness, or courage.

and

love [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

I often wish that I knew how to hate, but I thank God that I can't.

Whatta Monday

2007-10-08T16:02:00.000-05:00

Hello Monday!!!!!!

My dog vomited in the backseat of my truck, she then ran away when I was cleaning it up (still not to be seen), the toilet needed plunging (not to my doing), and then my ex and his evil half called to mess up an out of town weekend (that we have had planned with our girls since May!!).

There has to be a video to represent this day!

Any hoo...

Lance and I are currently addicted to this tune. (Although, we just had a great weekend together - I am ready to be glamorous!)

Ghost Whisperer

2007-10-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

What! is wrong with me!!!!? I DO NOT watch horror movies!, but I am addicted to Ghost Whisperer!

This show scares the living daylights out of me!!!

Have you watched it!?

Check it out : www.cbs.com/primetime/ghost_whisperer/

OMG!

Fallen Soldier

2007-10-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

Please visit Jenn @ www.iservethequeens.blogspot.com and post a final farewell for the family of Matt Blaskowski.

Although their sorrow will linger always, may our good wishes help to heal their pain.

Godspeed Matt and Thank you.

Garbled Unpublished Thoughts

2007-09-29T17:47:00.000-05:00

I have so much that I want to blog, but the thoughts and words are garbled in my mind and just sit in there. I think it is related to the full moon.

I have found that I have had peace and quiet when I have blogged in the past. That isn't happening here this weekend. (Especially when you have two 11 years olds and a 13 year old stomping through the house, all pouting at the same time, because you know I simply am NOT fair! ) The longer we are here the more the house is always filled with the laughter and chaos of girls. We love it, but it makes for little quiet time, until the moment of sleep.

I just know boys have to be easier!

Peace all.

Please check out Tabba's post from Sept 16 at http://stretchedtothelimit.blogspot.com/2007/09/sunday-morning-song-of-moment_16.html . I love that song and video. I would post the video myself, but our little Mac here won't let me. Plus, it was hers to begin with. (sending smiles))))

Message In A Blog

2007-09-23T08:09:00.000-05:00

I read Message in a Bottle recently. A beautiful poignant love story. (It left me feeling a bit emotional and lonely but I have gotten good at making myself busy and pushing such feelings aside.)

The book definitely hit home for love lost and true love again discovered.

I would recommend Nicholas Sparks - Message In A Bottle to anyone, but not to those that are still dealing with the loss of their mate without the comfort of a new true love.

I was able to relate to both sides. Thankful.

His words of "And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about the moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry."

My dear dear friends... these dreams will pass and I am sorry that you are feeling the pain you are. I can only pray that time will heal this for you.

...and his other words, "...Before we came together, I moved through life without reason. I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together."

Does destiny exist? Is it possible that the dearest people in our lives are brought there for purpose?

"...with a gentle touch he said, "Who do you think brought him to you? I know that you will be okay now."

The last dream I ever had he was walking backwards in the white street. Happy, the happiest I had ever seen him in a dream. The next day his brother died.

I had since moved on in life, and was fortunate to have found a love deeper than any ocean, but since that dream I have been completely at peace and he has not returned for a visit. Dreams now are always of L, and L alone. Offering, as he always does in life...

Love, protection, peace, and happiness.

Yippee

2007-09-10T18:36:00.000-05:00

This has been sitting in Draft for awhile, but didn't want you to think that I ran away...

Well, life is back to normal.

I did 8 loads of laundry yesterday. Vacuum every day. The dishwasher runs twice a day. The lights are going on early due to the season change and number of bodies in the house.The bathroom is constantly occupied. The day is continually running away from us. Lance is still working long hours (so has his moments of needed solitude).

Punky is loving school and volleyball! She is in advanced math this year and Spanish (which will give her her first high school credit!) And she is in symphonic band (which is for the more advanced players) We have really watched her "come out" since we've been here. I love it!

Peanut is Peanut every day. Thrilled to go to school and just seems happy this year! She has such a gentle soul...

Work is mingled into the mix of our busy day. I am loving some of the extended hours I have been keeping.

Life is good!

A GIFT OF WORDS

2007-08-31T20:24:00.000-05:00

A dear friend wrote to Lance and I this week.

It's amazing how the incredible art of letter writing has dissipated with the blur of technology at hand.

He wrote:

...I'm very happy for you both. It sometimes seems the impossible task- amid the race of life and the hurried pace of the world - to find that person with whom you can see the rest of your life playing out with. While there's an endless parade of people who can satisfy some parts of our lives - friends, family, lovers- finding that one person who fulfills so many things all at the same time, well, it sometimes seems a miracle.

His words ring with such truth.

The letter continued on, articulate and beautiful.

We will frame this and put it on the wall.

It touched us more than we can reflect.

Thank you for this LJ... Thank you.

TRANQUILITY

2007-08-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

Rain falling on a quiet evening
Walking hand in hand with the man I love
Watching the dog swim to retrieve her ball
Hearing my children laugh and play together

Listening to my dad's breathing as he sleeps
Hearing my mom say, "I love you Becc..."
Or laying my head on her lap and having her stroke my hair

Feeling the love of my sister
Having a nice conversation with one of my girlfriends
Or hearing that one of them is doing exceptionally well

Laying on my bed on a Sunday afternoon reading a good book
knowing the rest of my crew is doing the same
Watching a good football game
Or just hearing one in the background

Watering our trees
Mowing the lawn
Providing a nice smile for a stranger

Seeing a field of flowers
Smelling one.
Finding a bird's egg casing in the lawn
Seeing a field full of cattle with babies

A beautiful sunset
Or a majestic sunrise

Memories of my brother as children
Combing his hair
drawing pictures on his back with a rat tail comb
Him guessing what it is

Sitting here smiling
because the memories and list could go on and on...

MISPLACED FLATTERY

2007-08-14T17:07:00.000-05:00

As I am walking to return a movie at Family Video today, I see a young man (a punk) sitting in a black mustang convertible. (Cigarette hanging out of his mouth, five o'clock shadow, and a cutoff shirt)

Yuck.

"Hey, Honey."

Okay. I knew something was coming. (Give him direct eye contact on your return.)

""Hey Honey" is not very respectful to the opposite sex."

Keep walking. There is a vehicle between you.

"Oh it's not? Well I just wanted you to know that you are HOT!"

Yes. I know. I'm feeling it today.

(Give me a break. You know those days! When you feel like you have the world and It's loving you.)

Why is this not flattering me? I am a thirty something mother that, most of the time, feels chubby.

Duh! Because I have an incredible husband at home that makes me feel like a princess all of the time, you pig!!

I'm sorry.

Is this really what boys today think works on girls?!?

It wasn't even his car! And the cigarette! Yuck!

Oh. By the way - We ARE NOT moving to Houston! It was a joke! You had to look at the pictures.

I WANT TO LIVE!

2007-08-12T12:29:00.000-05:00

Just spoke to Lance and heard some disturbing news.

One of our local businessmen has passed away of a sudden massive heart attack. 47 years old!!!! An adventurer, a father, a kind, gentle looking man!

There is so much beauty in life! So much to do and see!

Why are we still here? We have two obstacles in our path and a world awaiting us.

How can we break this mold?

I want to see the world! Expose our daughters to it all! Share all of it with Lance!!

How can we do this as inexpensively as possible so we can see the maximum amount available???

Pride

2007-08-12T09:03:00.000-05:00

It is amazing to me how much you think you know as a child and how much you want to know as an adult.

This is a conversation Lance and I have had and I just draw energy from such a conversation.

Here is a man that is so well educated. Has worked in Washington DC, has worked for and met some very prestigious people, traveled to many destinations in this beautiful country of ours and knows SO much. Yet, at the same time is so incredibly noble and respectful and never judgemental.

I opted for an awesome opportunity with Northwest instead of the four year college opportuniy. I loved my choice and never looked back on it.

I was about to list all of the accomplishments that I have made in life, but Lance has taught me that this is an inner beauty. I have SO much to be proud of! More than some with a college degree could ever touch. As I sit here and reflect at what I have done and the money that I have helped to gross in my lifetime - it is amazing! Simply amazing!

Yes. I have a proud smile on my face and I am patting myself on the back. I am also reflecting on the pride I have for so many of the success stories I have read and know of. (With and without a degree)

Whatever road you have chosen in life, if you have a success story to share - share it. Be proud. Show our children that they too can do it!

I am all about a great education, but lets also teach them that hard work in the end is where the success and pride will lay.

PS) Northern Michigan Mom is in need of your help. http://www.northernmichiganmom.blogspot.com and

Jenn needs your prayers. http://www.iservethequeens.blogspot.com/

and I can't figure out how the whole link thing works :-)

God speed!

MY DEAREST LOVE

2007-07-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

I love this man for many things,
especially his passions,
for they are those things which are most beautiful in life.
Love and books and friendship
and beauty and nature.
And I am glad he has taught me these things,
for I know my life is better for it.
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.

He is my best friend.
He has something inside of him,
something beautiful and strong.
He is filled with kindness.
He is the most peaceful man I know.
He is the closest thing to an angel I have ever met.

Words could never express the depth of the love we share.

ANOTHER GOOD-BYE

2007-07-19T18:53:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since my last post.

My littlest girl chose to be a Bee that Friday night.

We returned home to tragic news. A family friend, the patriarch of the family's name we do not mention, passed away in a horrible motorcycle accident. Unfortunately, his wife and son were both riding behind him. She is terribly injured and their son has road rash, but they will both live.

He leaves behind SO much. So much it is amazing.

It is not the one that passes that I feel badly for, it is those left behind. The loss and the pain is so tremendous. It is never healed. It never goes away. It just gets buried. Buried until the wind blows and a piece of it gets exposed, until it is buried again. We pray that the storm doesn't hit, their lives are happy, and - that it is never completely revealed. That would not be safe for the survivors nor would it be fair to those surrounding them. Pray that the peace, once created, never be broken for them.

Let's think a minute about what the deceased are to look forward to:

1. complete peace forever
2. happiness
3. reunited with so many dear family members and friends that have passed before them

I think this is wonderful. This is perfect. This is what we all hope for!

I am comfortable with my mortality.

I hope you are as well.

God Speed, RS. I have never stopped loving you. I never will.

LITTLE BUG

2007-07-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

What will my little bug choose to be tonight?

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

2007-07-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

At first I just talked about it. Now I'm actually going for it.

Trying to find a second job.

I love what I do and I absolutely love the people I work for and with. I don't know that many people can say this. So I will try to find something that works around my current schedule.

I'm actually excited. Excited for the new opportunities. Excited for the new prospect of it all.

The money will help. The time off my hands will be nice. The meeting of new people and the learning of new things. I really look forward to all of this.

I know that it will become a juggling act when the girls return and school begins, but we'll work it out. We always have, plus we have Lance now. He has never let us down and I know he never will.

The running, the housework, the lawn, finding time to relax... It's all part of the game.

Bring it on!

My shoulders are back. My head is high! My parents would be proud!

I'm ready! Let's go!!!!

THIS IS MY BLOG SPOT

2007-07-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

Just for clarification!

I think I have wonderful friends and I love my family.

I am not like many who are surrounded with my children all day and longing for a break. I am in our home for 10 hours per day plus - by myself - for the next month and a half.

I am not looking for sympathy. I simply want to share what I have with the people I love.

I have gotten in my car and driven to see my friends and family. Just like the phone. The road works both ways.

I use my blog - just like everyone else - to express my feelings. Every reader interprets the writings in different ways. Free thought.

It's amazing how many comments a blogger gets when a nerve is struck in a reader or two.

...HOME

2007-07-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

I spent alot of time, as usual, out in the lawn working tonight. I love it out there. Everything smells so good, friendly people walking by, a neighbor will wave, another come to visit and say how incredible the lawn looks. That always makes me feel good! Lance and I have so much time and money invested in our landscaping.

It has been fun to do! We have planted arbs and rhodos, lillies, apple trees, birch, a magnolia tree... so much! Lance has placed so much mulch down - it is incredible! And with all of the fertilizer that I have put down and the weeding that K has done... it is all just amazing!

I guess I could say that it is sad, but not really. Maybe I'm a little envious. You see. The neighbors house down from us sold. A young couple moved out and another moved in. I watch all of the activity and hear all of the well wishers. "What a great house!" "Let me see this beautiful home of yours!" Young friends, elderly friends, so many people.

Lance and I have had just seven. My parents, my grandmother and her friend, A dear friend of Lance's from childhood and his bride and our beautiful, dear friend from across the street. That is all.

You see all of Lance's family and friends live at quite a distance and I suppose for others it may seem like a bit of a drive or they say that money is an issue. That is all well and fine, but I have to say when I here that they have gone here or there or done this or that and they know how often I am alone - it hurts. I try not to let it, but I want to share this beautiful gift that we have been given and that we work so hard for.

God has given us so much and we are extremely thankful for that.

I will continue to mow and weed and edge and do all of these little things that I enjoy, that make this "home" and I will find comfort in knowing that when Lance comes home he will be in awe of the beauty, just as I am, and we, together, will appreciate what few have come to enjoy.

FAREWELL MY FRIEND

2007-07-02T08:17:00.000-05:00

I had a dear friend pass away this weekend.

We never spoke. It was a quiet friendship. A friendly smile, a respectful turn of the eye if we were out getting our newspapers at the same time in the morning, a gentle wave if one was in the car and the other in the lawn or when I saw him from inside if he was out.

I wonder if he knew how deeply I have come to care for him over the past 6 months.

He seemed to be such a gentle soul, like we shared a connection somehow. Maybe it was because he lived alone and I was so frequently alone. Maybe we were there for one another...I know now that we were.

Lance and I sat silently and sick at the dinner table as the events took place. We knew what had happened. Our neighbor was so calm and sure when she said, "Just pray that if it is his time, he is not afraid." I feel that he wasn't, that all is well with him.

Someone returned that night to turn his lights off and to close his blinds. (This is what Milo would have wanted. This is what he would have done.) "Thank you, whoever you were. Thank you for showing my old friend that kind of respect." I bow my head to you and thank you.

I will miss you my old friend. Go in peace.

THE TREASURE HUNT

2007-06-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

Yes. It is 8:18pm and I should be up vacuuming and mopping my eldest daughter's bedroom for her before her return, but I had to blog quickly.

I am notorious for spinning around in the middle of traffic to grab whatever may be in the middle of the road. It may be a rusty nail that needs to be thrown aside, a screwdriver, a bungee strap, a flashlight, a deer (yes, I'm sorry Jenn - a deer), or a turtle (OH!!! THAT POOR TURTLE DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER!!!) I once even stopped and picked up a beaver that was dead on the side of the road, but in great shape. I took it to the DNR and then to the local taxidermist to have it stuffed for my parent's cabin. (It was said to be the largest recorded in the area's history at 84 lbs!)

Tonight it was a pair of sunglasses. I spun around through a gas station and maneuvered my way along until I reached them. Oakley!, I imagined! They were so shiny and pretty looking! Until I reached them that is. As I parked on the side of the road and darted across the highway, I was to discover that they were simply a cheap pair of scratched up shades with one arm missing. I picked them up and threw them in the car anyway. (I figured I might as well save the environment and throw them away.)

"Were they junk?", my mom asked as I called her back (because, of course, I was on the phone when I made my discovery and had to hang up quickly. This was not a first.)

"Yes! They are scratched with one arm missing! I risked my life for this!" I exclaimed.

So to all of you out there that are losing things: Could you PLEASE make sure whatever you lose is in good shape?!?

It is NOT easy work being me!

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY

2007-06-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

I woke up to blue skies and sunshine this morning. What an incredible day!

I made it to my appointment on time, visited with a hygienist that always makes me feel good about the day, had a message on my voicemail from Lance, came home to have a rewarding conversation with my dear friend B in South Carolina, and then received this from my sister!!

I foresee this day to be a great one!

Time passes
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than you need her.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, sisters, sisters-in-laws, mothers, grandmothers, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.

Thank you to all of my supporters...

HAPPY BUT LOST AGAIN

2007-06-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

I've had a lot of time to do things lately. Waste time really. Every minute seems to drag without our girls.

I know I'm going through a state of depression. When you enter our home and the windows are not washed and both of the girls' rooms are a disaster, after a week and a half of them being gone, you know something is not okay with me.

We watched Star Wars: Phantom Menace last night. Lance and I have made a pack to watch the entire series together. This is the one that I never watched. I have to admit I was reluctant, but I really enjoyed it! I'm excited about our idea!

He's away on business tonight and as I sit here completely alone (minus the dog and cat), it's difficult not to rush out and rent Star Wars II. This was the first drive-in movie I ever watched. It was amazing! (smile) It's fun to remember our childhood...

I've also started a new book, "Welcome To My World... Where English Is Sometomes Spoken" So far, not so good. But we'll wait and see. It's supposed to be funny.

I'm having a hard time thinking and focusing today too. No. It is not medical. (I had a lab work-up and doctor appointment yesterday and all is well. PLUS! We spent the night and day with the girls!)

I have to keep telling myself that I have to be at the dentist at 8 a.m. tomorrow, I showed up a half hour late for work today, and am still fearful I may forget my appointment!

This has to get better!!!

Until the morning light....

ACHING NEED

2007-06-18T16:35:00.000-05:00

I'M STRANGLING. I'M CHOKING. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BREATHE! I MISS MY GIRLS SO MUCH IT CHOKES ME!

THE MAC AND CHEESE IS ON THE STOVE TOP. WHY? BECAUSE THEY LIKE MAC AND CHEESE. THEY WON'T BE HERE TO EAT IT, BUT LANCE AND I WILL. IT MAKES ME ACHE EVEN MORE BUT AT LEAST IT BRINGS THEM A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO ME. I LOVE THEM SO!

THEY COULDN'T GO SWIMMING WITH MY MOM TODAY. WHY? IT'S 95 DEGREES THERE AT 3:30. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING FOR YOUR DESTINATION UNTIL LATER. IT'S 5:38 NOW AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEFT! THEY'RE CHILDREN! THEY COULD HAVE BEEN BACK BY NOW!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR NOT LETTING MY GIRLS BE CHILDREN! I HATE MY DECISION! I HATE YOU. I KNOW THAT IS STRONG LANGUAGE, BUT SOMETIMES I DO. I WANT TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU WON'T LET ME. YOU WON'T ALLOW IT. IF YOU CAN'T TREAT MY MOM AND MY CHILDREN WITH RESPECT, THEN I DO - I HATE YOU. I'M SORRY. I AM.

I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. NOT WITHOUT A COURT ORDER. I'M TOO NICE. MAYBE THIS WAS FAIR BUT I DON'T CARE. LET'S TALK FAIR...

I LOVE YOU MY BABIES. MOMMY LOVES YOU.

FATHER'S DAY

2007-06-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

THIS IS THE FACE OF THE FIRST MAN THAT I EVER LOVED. THIS - IS MY DAD.

THE WIND IS BLOWING LIGHTLY. I CAN FEEL THE BREEZE AS MY HAIR GENTLY SWEEPS ACROSS MY FACE.

THE HOSE IS RUNNING AND DAD IS OUTSIDE, ALWAYS OUTSIDE DOING SOMETHING. MAYBE HE'S WASHING HIS TRUCK AND I CAN HELP! HE ALWAYS LET'S ME HELP! I AM A CHILD AGAIN.

THE LAWN IS SO LUSH AND GREEN...

I FEEL AMAZING! SO YOUNG! SO AT PEACE! SO HAPPY! THIS IS TRANQUILITY. THIS IS CHILDHOOD!

ALWAYS SAFE. ALWAYS!

"THERE IS NO LOVE MORE ANGELIC THAN THE LOVE OF A FATHER AND A DAUGHTER."

A DAUGHTER'S LOVE

2007-06-13T19:30:00.000-05:00

IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT TOGETHER, FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE QUITE SOME TIME. MY LITTLE ONE WANTED SO BADLY TO SLEEP NEXT TO ME BUT KNEW IT WAS HER SISTER'S TURN. (LANCE HAD TO WORK AN OVERNIGHT.) I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT READING, MY BEAUTY WATCHING THE BASKETBALL FINALS IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND MY LITTLE ONE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME. (SHE DIDN'T WANT TO INVADE HER SISTER'S SPACE BUT ALSO WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO ME. SO, SHE HAD BUILT A BED ON THE FLOOR FOR HERSELF.) I HEARD A "SNIP SNIP" BEHIND ME AS I WAS READING AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS JUST HER SCISSORS. (SHE'S ALWAYS BUSY!) ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER SHE HANDED ME AN "END OF THE DAY" BIRTHDAY CARD SHE HAD JUST MADE...

"DEAR MOMMY,

I HOPE U HAD A WONDERFUL B-DAY!
I HOPE U LIKED EVERYTHING, YOU ARE 36 NOW!
REMEMBER U ARE A WONDERFUL PESON AND WE LOVE U

LOTS OF "HEART"

HAVE A WONDERFUL 36 YEARS OF LIFE!"

WOW! TEARS GENTLY CAME TO MY EYES. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHILD!

AT THAT POINT, SHE BOUNCED UP THE STAIRS, RETURNING WITH SOMETHING SHE HAD SPENT 4 DAYS MAKING IN SCHOOL FOR ME! 4 DAYS! APOLOGIZING THE WHOLE TIME FOR NOT BRINGING IT HOME SOONER. (ALL THIS CHILD EVER ASKS OF ME IS TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB ON THE CEILING IN HER ROOM AND FIX HER BLINDS.) 4 DAYS SHE SPENT MAKING THIS AND I NEVER ONCE WENT UP TO DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS! AM I BUSY? YES! BUT NOT SO BUSY THAT I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?

WHAT SHE HANDED ME WAS A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF NOTEBOOK PAPER, VERY CAREFULLY COVERED IN BRILLIANT COLORS. THE ENTIRE PAGE! "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I LUV U!" IT READ.

THESE ARE THE MOMENTS WE CHERISH AS MOTHERS AND I HOPE THESE ARE THE DAYS WE REMEMBER ALWAYS.

I WILL NEVER LET HER GO! NEVER LET MY LOVE FAIL HER!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, K!

MOMMY

CALMNESS

2007-06-07T08:25:00.001-05:00

SO MANY THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING LATELY.

I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO REFLECT ON LOSSES, WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ALONE, HOW THANKFUL I AM NOT TO BE, AND HOW OFTEN I WISH I HAD TIME TO JUST REALLY BLOG THINGS LIKE THIS WITHOUT BEING RUSHED.

A FRIEND OF MINE PAST AWAY ON A MOTORCYCLE LAST WEEK. THIS IS THE THIRD IN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS. ONE WAS HEADED SOUTH, ONE WEST, AND THE LAST NORTH. IT CONCERNS ME THAT WE MAY HAVE A PATTERN HERE. ALL OF THEM SUCH HAPPY PEOPLE - LEADERS. MAYBE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT. MAYBE GOD IS FORMING HIS ARMY.

IT'S SAD THOUGH FOR THOSE LEFT BEHIND. I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT AFTER THE MEMORIAL SERVICE AND THOUGHT HOW HER HUSBAND PROBABLY WASN'T SLEEPING, MAYBE DURING THE DAY. HOW EMPTY HIS WORLD WAS. I CUDDLED WITH LANCE AND PRAYED. THANKING HIM FOR BLESSING ME. THANKING HIM FOR THE GIRLS AND I NO LONGER BEING ALONE. FOR LANCE AND I HAVING EACH OTHER.

MY MOTHER CALLED THAT DAY AND ASKED IF I WANTED HER TO GO WITH ME. I HAD DECLINED HER OFFER, BUT ON THE WAY THERE I WONDERED WHY. WHY I HAD ALSO DECLINED LANCE'S OFFER AND WHY I FELT THE NEED TO DO THESE THINGS ON MY OWN.

I HAVE POSTED BEFORE ABOUT NOT WANTING TO EXPOSE LANCE TO THE DARKNESS AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT IT IS. I, UNFORTUNATELY, HAVE GOTTEN USED TO ATTENDING THESE THINGS. I CAN FIND THE LIGHT THERE. I CAN SEE THE SMILES AND THE GOODNESS THROUGH ALL OF THE TEARS. I KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIGHT. I KNOW LIFE WILL GO ON AND GET BETTER AND IF IT WERE TO END, WELL, THEN I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HAPPINESS WAITING FOR US THAN WE COULD EVER IMAGINE!

I REMEMBER YOU P, L, AND M AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

GOD SPEED.